by Christina Osheim

the art Posse met in my studio again. It felt so good! Partially because I was still working (had to get stuff glazed and in the kiln) and mostly because it felt right. We didn’t/don’t have to adhere to a menu of the unsaid rules of a food and beverage establishment. We can just be. I have also come to understand that me working and being a bit distracted at times is understood. That is me. But I give off love and myself. I don’t believe that I am selfish. 

That is one of the things that made me so happy— I gave a number of drawings to a friends daughter with watercolor pens. She is doing a fantastic job adding color. They are becoming something new- they’re becoming hers. And she has planned to give them to her friends. I love the full circle of it all. The giving tree art style. I like to think of that as something mirrored in other ways. You get and you give. The whole idea of I am a filter living and walking the middle path. (Or dream/work to make that a reality)  

I also think some of my worry about having to work or be in the middle of studio stuff when people come is that there’s nothing literal that is being given. Not a dinner, a movie, cup of coffee or tea. There is no reward. We were talking about that in a meeting yesterday and I realized that I really have devalued myself in so many ways that I don’t see people wanting to hang out with me just because it’s me. I remember when I was a kid and had friends over I would plan activities so they’d leave with a grab bag of stuff. We’d do craft projects. It was the hope they’d go “I got 4 different things when I played with Christina, that’s great. I play with her and get stuff. I want to play with her again.” I felt I had to bribe people to play with me. And at age 35 am still dealing with that. 

Oh life is funny. Anyway, it’s 10pm and I’m drinking coffee and eating m&ms feeling that it was a long, but good day. I also deleted all of my dating apps last night- don’t remember if I wrote that or not. I like the idea of having a partner in crime. But I like the idea of working to make my life as I lead it function as best it can. I know I will pick up more passengers along the way. If one turns out to be a spouse cool, but if not I will have a solid group of people I love who love me back who can be my life Posse in crime 😆 

 

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by Christina Osheim

It is 9:37 and I am lying in bed breathing. Deep breaths are important. 

ive gotten a lot done today. And will get much done tomorrow also. I realize now I forgot to do something i

had wanted to get done... well drat!  

ok, bedtime calls. Also, the Tao of Pooh is really good. Aa Milne is a hero of mine. 

I am also feeling very lonely right now. I will dream of porcelain bowls and aa Milne reading ee Cummings  

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by Christina Osheim

gosh. Goodness. 

when I first started this i was thinking about it as creative writing. I wanted to read cool. I’d have a beginning middle end, all wrapped up in some nonsensical bow of rainbows farting. And now it’s a haphazard *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah* have no way to write or say or express what I want to. Go figure I’m a freaking maker. 

Im a strange wound up and ok with it ball of.... Christina?!?   I wonder if my sister in law is still reading this. Or if anyone is. Or if my drivel has become just that drivel that is driving people away. One to many—- got busy. Don’t know what to say. Life is great here’s a posicle.

that is ok if they have. Because really, this is for me. This is to

help heal and figure out this strange little head. I am making amends right now. And it has been beautiful. I realize how good it is I am doing the work I’m doing. And even as I’ve come so far how much further I still need to go. It comes back to my idea of being a filter. I cannot see myself. So I try and try and try to have right thought and action to make me right. And I cannot be. I am human and flawed. But I can give my right thought and action out. And receive it. It is truly beautiful.

im making work and getting ready for Minnesota. And nynow. It feels so alien and away. But next week I will be in West Virginia. What the heck!!!! Oh goodness. And I was wearing double hoodies and knee high wool socks in the studio today because it was snowing. Life is abreal indeed! (For those new readers— if there are any- I spent a blog post writing about the word abreal I made up and how it is more fitting at this moment in time than surreal.) 

soooooooo... I’m thinking about giving online dating the heave ho and figuring I’m pretty darn happy by myself. The rush would be to be able to possibly have kids but I’m not sure I want any so.... Beyoncé’s single lady May become my theme song. 🤷‍♀️

Shit. I don’t know what the next most important thing to do is. Other than sleep. Somnos, god of sleep, help me figure out what is most important for tomorrow. Xoxo 

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by Christina Osheim

Life shifts again. I am tired but really happy with the day and how things are going. I’m beginning to accept that through force of will I cannot change what I can’t.  

And that as part of this process of living I will at times not get what I want. And that is ok. Life is shifting and I am happy with the sands surrounding me. 

art is healing, art is good. I am so happy I get to process the world through it. Xoxo  

 

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