God Jul

It is 9:12 this morning and the party was great yesterday. This is a refuel the body and psyche day. I have learned so much this year!!! Now I feel it would be the time to write some short sweet incredibly thoughtful and poetic summary of those lessons, ending with a positive cheerful what bridges I will conquer next.  

And I don’t want to. I am really enjoying being a sober lady, but the more I learn and grow how ever expanding my lack of knowledge becomes.  

I have talked about having feelings for someone and did find the courage to be honest. The feelings are not returned in any but a casual friend way. I am glad I was honest and I have added a new mantra to my ever expanding reprotoire “honesty is rad.” And it is. There is a lightness to it. I have stated many times that I like perimeters and honesty really helps to define them. Of course there is a bit of an sadness or bruising of the ego. But then you know the perimiters you are working within.

and for me the whole thing was great as I learned that there were parts of me I had ignored in sobriety. Things I don’t know how to do or let in. And also that I need to repavlov myself for dealing with attraction. So I started to set rules and boundaries for how I go about it. And really, one of the big ones is I have trouble letting people in and trusting. Trust is a problem.  

So the party yesterday I sort of began to let people in to take over aspects. And they all did what they said they would! And more! So much more! So when I begin to feel overwhelmed I need to look very carefully at myself and see where I have built up walls. And also make sure that I am not using people to validate things about me I am insecure of. Or lacking.

i must tell you, my dear blog friends, one of my favorite moments yesterday and in a while was playing with my friends kids. It was brilliant! I can’t tell you the joy of having 3 year old rambunctious twins laughing like lunatics, racing around, and using your body as a playground. It was superb! At that point in the day, when I was tired and needed to get out of the party to decompress they were ambrosia! And my heart just swelled with joy. 

after it all I proceeded to sleep for about 11 hours. I’m still pooped, and will have quiet time. A quiet day. Family, Christmas, STEAK!, and bon amie.  

God Jul alle sammen!

Christina Osheim

I am glad I started this daily blog. I think it has been good for me in many ways. Probably one of the biggest is when I start to repeat myself. Then it’s a sign of something bigger that I need to deal with- a version of shit or get off the pot.

it is such a game. And I like games. Until I am losing and then I get really awful. I am a horrible winner and loser. It is actually surprising I am still here as when I was five I was losing a game of Chinese checkers. So I just planted myself in a spot that prevented anyone from winning. The cartoon image of smoke pouring from Yosemite sams Ears would have been my mom.

i think acceptance is something that you always have to fight a bit to accept. Meaning, it’s easy to want to forget the not fun part of the sine graph called life. Self pity sets in and instead of looking at the positive you are ready to imitate cheetoh in chief and go for mass destruction. 

I like to say I am getting better at it, but who knows if I am. Maybe I’m getting better at recognizing that I can’t waffle in the middle and meet take a shit, or leave the wc. Oh my poor mom. This xmas I’ll open up a gift from her and it’ll be a pack of depends! 😜

speaking of mothers, the man next to me at the market does some really sweet leather. We were talking about sales and markets and somehow it came up that his mom was telling him to make bondage gear. Ha! 🙌 to her.  

Anyway, this market is going to be wrapping up soon and I will haul my fanny back to my studio for the PARTAY!  


Roughly 7 hours later- 

i am lying in bed under a duvet with a book. It was a success and I am whipped. I believe people had fun. I did. And now, blog buddies, time to retire!  

Adios til tomorrow. 

Christina Osheim
Womp womp

I forgot to hit done last night. And ergo it seems I skipped yesterday and  have a double feature today.

I am currently sitting outside at a holiday market. The weather is gorgeous. I wish I didn’t have a booth but a blanket and spot in the sun and could nap. *heaven!* 

markets are so strange. There really is no way to tell if it will be good or bad. All signs point to “who knows” or “ask again later” or “?” This one despite being gorgeous is quiet. I had thought it would be bigger than it is, perhaps because in past years there does seem to have been a crowd.  

It is really curious.  

Well. About 5 hours later I’m now sitting on the couch at my studio listening to the band practice. I have some happy greasy dumplings in my belly and some hot, fresh coffee and am happy. Tired, but happy.

it makes me think of the word happy, and it’s overuse. Perhaps I mean content, or satisfied. A good friend met me after the market and scraped this tired vendor off the pavement. We were talking about self knowledge. In the way where you can look objectively at yourself and guide yourself through emotions and reactions. Paradoxically dealing intimately with yourself first so that you can then be active in the world. I am probably phrasing all of that incorrectly. It almost sounds like mastirbation- gotta get yourself off first then worry about your partner. hahahaha, oh man. I hope my mom doesn’t read this. She’s be horrified. Or she’d laugh. Who knows? Perhaps she pulls a market magic 8 ball move with a “ask again later.”

I am so lucky that these are the concerns my day is filled with. Right now I am having a repeat of yesterday’s “this is my life joy.” This is my life. I couldn’t be happier. It is not at all what I would have said or expected but goodness gracious, holy hell, I am one lucky lady!

Christina Osheim