I had a phone conversation with one of my best friends last night and it was really illuminating. I haven’t posted much about all of the work of mine that broke.m due to care and neglect. Part of that is I am waiting to see what can be done as they began with the fraudulent practice of offering s service they never gave or possibly if I am pessimistic/cynical intended to and b returned my work with such alarming carelessness that it broke my heart. I am still pretty sad mad low about it all. It has really been a blow to my ego and artistic sensibilities. It frankly sucks and has been pretty depressing. 

I don’t know if sharing this is right, or if telling myself that getting my website/online presence sorted out first is actually the right thing or a way of me avoiding the space and in one way what seems like futile work.  

I guess it’s to try and be honest about what’s going on. And that I’m still feeling numb and shook up. Avoidance has always been a down fall of mine and so in trying to change patterns this acknowledgment is part of it.

we also were talking about her garden and planting for the summer. I said I am not- don’t have a green thumb. But I always have liked plants and being outdoors. I then put it together that since my head injury, which was grounds crew (gardening) I have not done any. And made me wonder if I have blocked myself.  

all of this reflection reads down and ruminative. It is ruminative, but it’s not down. It’s just fact. Acknowledging and accepting means that then I have to decide how I want to handle my feelings, pain, loss, trauma. I don’t know how exactly I will do that with the business that ducked up my work, but I know I am on a path and moving slowly and carefully to not come at them with furious wrath and ire, spewing vitriol. I am talking to them with fact and logic regarding where they misled, lied and forgot. 

And the conversation was good as I self diagnosed a solution. I pulled a rubber ducking!!! Thanks bro for sharing this programming term! When the new lady gets trained I am going to take a week off or work. A full week to spend 9 days in the studio working and getting kinks figured out. That will provide some soul healing snd get my restless hands content. 

It has been a really good day. More work on my website is being done. I am feeling confident about the decisions I am making. I also gave my bed box to my friend and her kiddos, the Vikings. It is such an ideal size for forts, caves, childhood adventures. They all came and played apples go apples with me. So much fun!!! And the residents and I had a great day.  

So, I will go back snd do a few more things and hit the hay. Goodnight!  

 

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Christina Osheim