If someone where to ask me: “how are you?” Instead id saying fine, tired, busy, excited I think I’d say how honest an answer do you want? Long term ecstatic. Exuberant. Elated. Medium term psyched with s touch of terror. Right sized terror as I’m doing the next right thing and it is unknown. Immediate, right now, tired. And so sad.
before getting sober I wasn’t thinking about long term goals. Other than the mirages I was led to believe were possible. *cough cough academia*
and now I’m sober I am.
And going where I need to.
but I still have this cloak of sadness and grief that is enveloping me. I’m trying to listen to my sponsor and my therapist and sit in it. Let it be. Accept.
I will. But it will take the time it needs.
I have said before I love paradoxes. Partially because they are just that. And even in the love s part of you is infuriated. *sigh* paradox.
I am moving towards getting a dream. Or walking towards that dream. I haven’t been shooting mhself in the foot but doing the next right thing. Some of what this immense sadness about is the result of just that. I am having to accept, give up, realign relationships I have not wanted to. I can only live for me. And some who i love dearly have trouble seeing what it is I do. And i am working to accept it. And working to accept that what I crave so much- a best friend and partner in crime- cannot be conjured up magically. Or with a ball of clay. I have to accept that i can only control myself. And that is such s lonely feeling. I KNOW i am NOT alone. I have an amazing network of friends and colleagues I have built up. But this is my adventure and st the moment it is only my partially tamed (aka still feral) menagerie of critters living in and around the studio.
fuck. It’s hard. I’ve had s great couple of days and can feel I’m doing this how it should. And yet, I’m beginning to turn back into the me in Philadelphia who would realize I hadn’t touched anyone in weeks.
None of this is meant to be read as a complaint. Just s fact ir facts about how I am currently feeling. I will feel this way until I don’t. I am s strong lady who has so darn much to be thankful for. So I’m to sleep. Here hoping granny and Jackie O have good haul tomorrow am.