right now I am feeling like days are encompassing weeks and weeks years as things are just flying around me at this incredible pace.
its so funny. Last week with the blood moon and all I was about as batty as I’ve been since getting sober. No, that’s not quite true. But I was a little yo-yo of emotions hopes dreams uncertainties fears... you name it. I was a walking paradox with clay instead of tape on my glasses. I also wonder if the fact that I lost my virginity on a July full moon a few moons ago assisted in the strangeness.
i am feeling a bit calmer now. But still a bit steamrolled from all that occurred. And trying SO DAMN HARD to be a realist. —(I am not a realist but a hopeless romantic optimist who must come to terms with facts. I sometimes kick and scream and bite. But I get there eventually.)
a lot of what has happened has been me looking closely at my current situation and what is working and what isn’t. Wanting change but not having to risk myself in it. Although kinda funny in a way that I risked my heart in a trumpian fashion— creating a wonderful narrative that would magically solve everything for everyone most especially myself. But when looked at wouldn’t work. *sigh* the kicker is I’m sure I will unwittingly so this again at some point. Convince myself that my studio has the powers of the oracle of Delphi. We will make a ceramic Tripod atop which we will display the bounties of Jackie O’s warmth and kindness.
see. It is so easy for me to take “flights of fancy” and build dream castles in the sky. I really, really do love Anne of green gables.
the thing that I realized is all of these castles I build do hide a treasure- something I want or feeling I’m lacking. And I need to be Hercules hunting the Minotaur in the labyrinth. Or was that Jason? I cannot remember and find what it is I’m seeking. And how I can realistically get that.
Self awareness and self knowledge are so important. And something I feel I will always find out I’ve blinded myself in some regard as soon as I start to feel cocky. Which is as it should be.
I have what I need and the power to change what I don’t have.
im moving into my studio. Building a loft and making it my home base. I can always stay with my parents or friends but the majority of my time will be there. It is so strange to now be in my bed in my childhood room at their house knowing that this is no longer my home. Time to pick up this porcelain shell and find a new place to plop it.
To take responsibility. To own my shit even when it stinks. To fail if that be the case. To truly give myself to HP.
i have not been so happy and excited in a while. But goodness I do feel sad and a bit helpless also.
i AM lonely. Not in the I don’t have a lot of friends, good community, people I love who love me back. But loneliness as it is just me. I have to be brave enough to look inside. And support myself. To tend to my own garden. And the kicker is!!! I’m too tired/frustrated or sick of myself to even try to masturbate. (Sorry blog buddies. I’ve decided transparency and screw it im going to have no shame.)
When I was out Saturday with my two HS besties they were talking about their spouses and friendships and I was so happy/jealous for/of them that I just smiled and said how happy I am and that I hoped to have that someday.
but the reality is today I am what I have for that. I have a lot of friends who step up and we support each other in various ways. But it’s HP and I who are doing this adventure. So my loneliness is like my neuropathy. A constant low level pain that is there. It can be ignored but is always there. Sometime that will pass. But to get there I need to take risks & be myself. To push, expand, learn, fail and love along the way. All of these aphorisms of Aa are making so much more sense right now.
So. I keep working and loving and being me. And I remember that feeling lonely at times in life is normal. And that I may be lonely but am not alone.
so goodnight dear blog buddies. 😘