I am a walking salt stick. And I kind of love it. It is muggy July here in Virginia and my studio is in a warehouse. But I love working in a warehouse. I am right now reminded of my first job in Philly at the ever so delightful stained glass behemoth of nepotism. I was a new hire and in charge of firing all the glass. In a warehouse with no working HVAC. With a kiln that had a non working temperature gauge. So I would eyeball the kiln and the color of the glass to determine when it was time to shut (Autocorrect or my clumsy thumbs wrote shit instead of shut. Hahaha, yup!) this was in 2007 I believe and when I really started getting hard core into books on tape. I found a free download of Dante’s inferno and was listening to it. In July. Firing this kiln. I made it to the fifth circle and had to stop. It just got too creepy. And too life imitating art. Thinking of this and how right now there has been so much of life imitating life (myself feeling like I am in my 4th life in this body only trying to break of change the call and response - or in my case reflexive action.) anyway, thinking of this I really want to listen to it now! Oooooh boy, that could possibly be good! (This May also be one of my incredibly stupid ideas...except I don’t think it would be.... only one way to find out! My mo in recovery, trying to change my pre sobriety patterns is to when I wonder what if go for it and see what the answer is- unless tha quesfion would harm someone)
i like the idea of nine circles being incorporated into my drawings. Maybe a way to start clarifying or tightening them or their logic/purpose. Dante’s inferno —-> Möbius’s Madness. That perhaps will be something I use as mad is one of my favorite words. It has so many different uses.
anyway, I’ve been doing a pattern I often do to distract from what I do need to be honest about. Or what not being open about could be harmful to me. My anxiety has been really bad this spring. So much good is happening. My business is well on its way to being a success and I have not been able to get my little anxious head around that fact and ok with it. I saw my therapist today, she is amazing!!!, and will start seeing her once a week again. For a variety of reasons not worth listing here I have been trained to not be ok to feel. Or not be ok to feel unless it’s an appropriate feeling. This has caused me to build so many walls around me that I’m like a freaking armadillo. I joke about hobbit feet, but really I have made myself an emotional exoskeleton fueled or regenerated from fear and self pity. That is one of the reactions i am trying to change. When I am asked about something or questioned about something I clutch. My back tightens and almost my shoulders hunch like I am getting ready to run at or curl into a ball and hide. My chest tightens up, my heart rate increases, and a big ball of something happens in my stomach. And I close up. I detach. And if I am truly honest I think how can I say what this person wants to hear in a way that isn’t dishonest. FUUUUUUCK! I am still not an honest person. I have been feeling pretty solid the last few months about being honest. But I guess I wasn’t honest with myself and thought I was telling the truth. So I will be seeing my therapist once a week (first time phone wrote eeek- my typos are on point tonight.) and that’s the killer- I don’t know how to do what she is trying to get me to do. I cannot feel underneath the body terror that is my anxiety. — even writing this I am feeling low levels of all of this. And then Combine that with my tingle toes! My whole body is becoming a big distraction. (I do think I am still getting a bit better with the neuropathy. It’s a bit less still. Feels almost like gauze of numbness is being pulled off. That being said I think it will never fully go away and I’m starting to notice it in my hands. Oh my poor body, I will learn to love you and accept the scars.
speakinf of bodies. I decided that I love my body enough to love the love handles! I took off my tank today and worked in my sports bra and running shorts. It is more comfortable. And I’m alone. But he rubbing shorts I have are old and a bit too big. So I went to marshals and bought new ones and a sports bra and found a new project for Mobius Keramikk to make! harry S Truman mugs!!! Or chief dwiggins! (Twin peaks and Simpson’s)
huzzah! ok blog buddies, time to get some sleep! I do feel a bit better for writing all of this out.