It’s such a strange thing. That people may be reading this. I write it honestly and carefully (or trying to carefully) keep my friends unnamed and anonymous. I just assume it’s my sister in lawZ (can’t wait to see you in what a week??? I hope there’s time for you to be at my studio and meet the manager. I think you’d get along and have a lot of common interests)
anyway, it’s strange to think of how transparent I purposefully am. If it ever comes up I immediately have a cringe and an “oh shit. What have I written?!? How embarrassed could I be. What did I let slide???” And then I remembered that I would own up to anything I’ve oosted in here. I might blush and be awkward. But it’s not hard to make me blush and feel awkward. My addiction got as bad as it did because I lied. Often and with impunity. *sigh* sooooo... now the drama of an artist, business over, recovering addict and Pisces gets shared as nauseum. (Auto correct auto changed nauseum to nauscious. Hahahahaha- oh Freud... at it again)
thjs is a long winded way of saying right now I am feeling so strange. It’s not all bad, just strange. I am angry at my anxiety for so often getting the better of me and my self doubt (fear) backing it up making it easier to shoot myself in the foot. I haven’t been sleeping well at all. And this am I showered and was out of the house at 6:45. And by 9am was really in an early onset panic attack feeling ready to throw up. Because of my anxiety and fear. (Pause, taking a few deep breaths). What is good about sobriety and this new way I’m living is I can see the patterns begin. It’s almost like I rise up and see me sitting in my beautiful BarcaLounger in my studio watching the train hit the wall in my head and mass chaos and tEars overdloweth) but by watching it begin to happen I also know how to begin to divert/dampen/ease them. It’s kind of amazing seeing the training you do put into work. Like elementary school fire drills. You automatically line up and March to the nearest exit. I did that with myself and began communicating about it.
So my feelings are still quite tender. I’m learning how to do so much of this and do it for the first time so it takes more time. or rather more deliberate intention. So I breathe, keep working the steps and doing the next right thing and helping others to the best of my ability.
And try my damndest to laugh as much as possible throughout it all. Meaning- after a good bit bumpy day I taught (I love teaching!!!) and was able to go swimming!!! Surprise swims are the best. I’m a Pisces and just love the water. And eat Mexican. I finished the night off with 3, maybe 4 episodes of I Love Dick with a good friend. That is one good show. My therapist told me I should see it and she nailed it!
Glazinf has been my albatross since starting this business. Sometimes it goes great and sometimes I choke. I’m hoping this new spray booth and glazing inside solves it. I am also thinking that maybe I should create a pre gazing ritual to just get myself into the food psychic space of trusting my hand. I am good. I shouldn’t worry as much as I do. Hahaha, silly brain chemicals. Please though, pretty pretty please let me sleep through the night— and have the day not begin before 7.