I am sitting in Panera having just eaten an early lunch and gotten a ticket to the 4pm Flash Gordon. I’ve never seen it! Haha, fun!!!
I’m thinking about change and fear and trying to walk through change with grace. My mom came up to me this morning and gave me a big hug and the three kiss ritual we have. (We’re Norwegian of the French variety apparently) and told me how happy she is I’m with them. I made a joke- which I often do when I’m uncomfortable or done know what words I have that I want to share.
it made me think that I am glad that they’re happy I’m with them— I think maybe she meant living with them, but today is also the 15 year anniversary of my head injury. It’s strange 15 years ago at about this time my life was about to change.
I don’t want to go into a bunch of had been what if’s as I believe they are pointless and an easy entrance to self pity and depression land. It’s just funny. Not knee slapping humor but funny as “so this is how my life is unfolding.”
“HP, God, please help me be of use to others, so the next right thing, try to not react immediately. Try to breathe.”
I say stuff like this throughout the day- hp please help me ___X___. Usually face something that irritates me with care and compassion.
i try and put others first and my therapist reminded me I have to enjoy my life. Live it for me too. So that’s what I’m trying to do. And that is what was a bit strange for me. My mom saying she’s happy im with them. In the universal I survived the head injury and active alcoholism and am in active recovery I agree- I am very happy I am here. But I am not happy with my home life. And learning how to cope and create a world in which my bed locale isn’t my home.
So, ultimately, I feel like I’m still a nomad. And am just a little pissed and sad about that. Bt the only way to work through and find what is next is to take advantage of all the privileges I have and try to build a life I can live in and be happy in.
My belly is now full. I have a ticket to the movie and a studio I do love and am working to make a healthy home for me. It is scary. But that is ok. As long as I can be honest with my sponsor, my therapist, and y’all—my blog family!