I feel like I am me but not me. Like I am watching me walk through and make this life and do these things. And feel so curious as to what why how when where.
I’m soon going off to bed but right now a part of me feels very lifted in some ways. Things are happening in my career and life that seem to be good. I am both excited and terrified.
Every night when I txt my sponsor my 10th step inventory I ask HP to keep me right sized. And that is really it. I am doing some work right now that is astounding me. I don’t/didn’t know I had it in me. And I do. It’s so strange and surreal, abreal, unreal, but real after all. And strange. Like trump.
And that’s it- such a kicker that maybe I can do this- I being me supported by all those around me who help keep me in line and support me. I saw labyrinth the other night with friends and the helping hands! I love it!
I have heard people say in meetings before about living the flat line— middle emotions etc because that’s the middle path for them. That is great for them. I am realizing/have realized and am working to accept that type of middle path doesn’t work for me. i am a dreamer. I build these fantastical things. And having an incredible day like today makes me build these huge castles in the sky! And I know that they are just imagined. That I would only get a mere puff of that wing or eave. But I must build it. And build the reverse also— I dreamt last night about everything with my kiln going wrong. My molds were fired and burst and were not fully fired and bendy on top of a Michael kohrs large figurative African clay he was doing for a show. So I go to both. And then fidget around the middle like a pan full of popping beans. And that is how I walk the middle path. I yo-yo back and forth, recognizing the lunacy in it, and then slowly.... oh so slowly... begin to fidget my way to the middle path with smears of ash and leaves and sunshine covering me. And I think. This probably won’t happen this way. But it could. And then hesitatingly, kinda unwillingly kind of gratefully handing it over to the great HP printer of the sky saying thy will not my will. And getting thrilled to teach a friends 6 year old how to throw in the am!
Life is a funny, ridiculous, infuriating glorious thing. I feel like my day was this post— quirky rambling a bit cluttered and full of spontaneity and joy! oh my heart!