/ by Christina Osheim

paradox. 

a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true.

I’m currently in DC— or to be specific Takoma Park MD. A good friend and I are going to the Trockadero tonight. 

im really excited for it! Driving up one of the global warming flash floods occurred. So 495 I am listening to “room to dream,” a bio of David lynch read by him and the biographer gaining insight into the mad history of his life, in the ez pass expressway and then hit a patch of water and can feel the car start to hydroplane. Nothing bad happened. I just then followed a slow car and did not try to pass. She is not home until 5pm and as a result I am sitting outside on her back patio underneath the trellis watching Imposters on my iPad w her WiFi, playing a stupid game on my phone, feeling like a Nordic stick of butter, trying not to obsess that I don’t have this thing in NYC signed sealed and soon to be delivered. 

So im feeling happy and funny and worried, but trying to be calm, asking HP to help me accept my eccentricities and remind myself to let it go out of my control— thy will not my will. I’ve done all I can.

I guess that is what it is. The always seeking to be better, perform better, find perfection is a habit that is so darn hard to break. I guess I still have some residual “what have I fucked Up???” And I know there are some things I have and am in the process of making them right. 

I also have had a smidgeon if worry that this blog and my honesty about every aspect, or many aspects of my life (sobriety & anxiety) are public. My sister in law, who often reads this, has said you could do this in a private forum. And I could, but the need to be able to share my life and be accountable for this is important in my sobriety. 

It’s interesting. So, if it is true we are our own worst nightmares. If it is also true that right now I am at a point again where I am setting new patterns of living. Of dealing with my addiction and anxiety. And if I also am checking the boxes of a sober life & trying to do the next right thing what I need to do is....

breathe. Relax. Enjoy the place I am in. Because I AM working really hard. And if something that I am quasi worried about everything will continue to go on. I have the things I need. Huzzah! 

 

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