/ by Christina Osheim

I texted my therapist to schedule a booster appointment. I’m feeling ok, but I’m feeling like enough is happening that I could get bumped or tapped and flip out.  

So I guess I am not ok. I am feeling fragile. I was talking to an aunt earlier and was reminded that everything doesn’t have to be good or have a silver lining. My optimism is a strength— but something that can become a default to not actually looking at the depths of my feelings and thoughts when upset. It can be a way to deceive myself. The same could be argued with pessimism or nihilism. 

i finally got an item for sale on my website. I had to up my website costs a good chunk... but... but... 😱 

I think the biggest reason I am getting a therapy appointment is panic/I’ve ducked up has become my automatic response. If someone wants to talk to me, or asks if I’m around, my immediate response is a mild panic attack— what did I mess up?!? It’s like I’m having trouble believing that I’m not the trouble maker I was. But then even as well as I do seem to be doing I don’t think my mom will ever not change a thing (or want to change a thing) about me and the way I do my life. 

*sigh*  

life is complex. I reconnected with a friend I dated briefly when I was first sober. From talking with him I can see how I may have not been drinking but was still acting like an alcoholic. Maybe that is some of it- I’ve started being casually more open with older friends about my sobriety/disease.

AAAACK! It’s all so confusing.

 Ok. Bedtime. I got my website up and selling. Or selling a product. 

 

Eeeeeeeek!!! It’s happening!!!!