what comes first, the chicken or the egg. Or the fidget egg. Which people do not understand. It is also me wondering about me and my attitude and to what degree I affect things. And add into it the question of do we ever give up hope? If I say I wasn’t expecting x does that inherently mean I didn’t wish to be proven wrong?? And at what point do I give up hope from hope.
I mentioned all of these awesome things happening and so I will star with that. Yesterday was my 18 month sobriety date. Holy hell! 18 months!!! I never really thought I’d make it 18 months when I started. I couldn’t see ahead at all. It really was and is one day at a time. The only boon has been never have I been really tempted to take a swig except for once to prove or not prove a point. (I did not and the fact that my mind went there was a red flag that the circumstances that surrounded that situation needed to be changed ASAP. As they were.) now if I crave it’s a cigarette. And I don’t want to do that.
anyway, awesome trip, back to that! I am at the making amends stage of my sobriety. Some family and some college related. And Olaf. My undergrad where I got hurt. And began the pattern of active drinking to numb myself. I didn’t hit rock bottom until I was at the end of grad school and trying to find a way to work a life. And so I have had a lot of anger directed at myself and T the institution and even state. I used that anger to create a pit of self righteous self centered pity to wallow in. And I like to wallow and get dirty and muddy.
So coming back I was so scared. What would I see. I blocked out so much, I really actuLly have spent the last 12 years trying to block st Olaf and Minnesota from me. If I deny it it did not happen. A very twisted, trumpian logic. Scared of making amends And scared to see what is and what was. Talking with a good friend (talking ie texting) I was saying how I love having a vivid imagination.the worlds i can and do create! But that mind and imagination when left to run riot can create all of these horrific landscapes that become overpowering. They take on a life of there own. A life not supported by fact. If you look and see what is really there there is no evidence to support.
So much of sobriety seems to be letting lifting the veil or shroud you (I) have worn and seeing what lif is like when not led by destructive addictive behavior. For me looking at things honestly has been so good. But MN and all that it includes had become an albatross. So coming here scared me. I remember telling family and friends before that I was scared. Honesty is so important and saying I am scared but that there is nothing to do other than what I am/was.just needed to be it out into the ether so I could see it as an understandable but not destructive, disabling thing,
and it has been liberating! And freeing! And joyful! I made some amends and feel lighter for cleaning my side if the street and driving up and through the Midwest begun making amends to myself and Minnesota and Olaf. I am seeing things and seeing me. I am neither the hero nor the villain. Just a person a thing happened to and a number of cause and effects occurred as a result. I am so happy I am here and here at this time in my life and sobriety. This trip is making me a better, more sober, stronger lady. I am also glad that I am road tripping it solo. I have needed this time to be me and just me. In doing all of this I realize that I have missed the Midwest so much. I feel like I have come home in a way. Or come full circle. “I feel I am being embraced to the bosom of my earth mother...” Hahaha... waxing poetic....
the beginning of this the chicken or the egg is the whole show phenomenon. This shoe is having the same problems as others. It also being wholesale- or me going wholesale has made it better as I have a new client, SCORE! But in terms I’d the rest it’s not too different. And that is the kicker. It is better than I expected, not as good as I hoped, and it is still early on. How do I keep my attitude happy and fresh and engaging when it is physically & emotionally taxing endeavor? Self doubt and self pity have been personal demons of mine and they read their heads at events like that.
I have joked— started seriously while laughing— that life really is a paradox in so many ways, and this is an aspect of mine, how do I acknowledge the demons and the reality of all of this without entering into a negative place. I am not sure. Maybe that uncertainty is something that Sikkim help keep me honest throughout it all. I don’t know. Living and loving the ridiculous. Yup. That is me. and that will be a challenge I give to myself— how tokeep my humor with it all! And that it is ok if keeping my humor means reading instead of drawing or working on my website, or writing my blog.... y s, there have been pauses while doing this to talk to customers and even make a sale or two,
i am just so so so happy to be here in Minnesota. This trip is healing.