right now I feel really lonely. I’m hesitant to say too much because that can so easily mutate into manipulation. I wrote an amends and had my sponsor proof it. A comment she made after she’d x these parts was, these are fine for a conversation, but I think you could express this better. Say what you did.

aka don’t write as if you’re having a conversation. You are then presenting a case. She of course is right. I edited my letter and sent it off with just the plain facts. And god, that is something. It will be what it can be. Living amends and right thought and action are how I move forward. 

That is the kicker though. Right now I am so tired and scared and lonely. The tired and scared are understandable as it’s 1222 and have a big show next week. The lonely is a tricky one. I am not alone. I am not doing this alone. I agree with John Donne no man is an island entire upon oneself. But goodness. I feel it. Last night I was supposed to go dancing. I was looking forward to it. But worked late and was manicish. I felt as if id look for trouble. I was in that sort of mood. I haven’t been in that for a while and stayed home. It was the right call.

a lot is changing in my work and I haven’t had the time/distance to see where it’s going. I haven’t been able to look at what I am producing. I guess a part of me is frustrated that it’s not perfect and so only isnseeing the flaws. The woulda coulda shouldas of it all. Argh! I made a bunch today. And I was doing and productive and unloaded and see so many itty bitty teeny tiny little mess ups that I want to throw my hands up climb into bed and listen to garrison Keillor talk for a week while I nap. 

Aka I’m a tired alcoholic in the middle of a period with a bunch of unknowns making a lot of work that is looking promising but new and making amends. It’s a lot. So, thanks for letting me rant. Anxiety meds have been taken, a bed is wanting to embrace me for The next 6-8 hours, and I’m going to channel falcon dreams tonight. Of maybe an owl.  

 

Christina Osheim