the art Posse met in my studio again. It felt so good! Partially because I was still working (had to get stuff glazed and in the kiln) and mostly because it felt right. We didn’t/don’t have to adhere to a menu of the unsaid rules of a food and beverage establishment. We can just be. I have also come to understand that me working and being a bit distracted at times is understood. That is me. But I give off love and myself. I don’t believe that I am selfish.
That is one of the things that made me so happy— I gave a number of drawings to a friends daughter with watercolor pens. She is doing a fantastic job adding color. They are becoming something new- they’re becoming hers. And she has planned to give them to her friends. I love the full circle of it all. The giving tree art style. I like to think of that as something mirrored in other ways. You get and you give. The whole idea of I am a filter living and walking the middle path. (Or dream/work to make that a reality)
I also think some of my worry about having to work or be in the middle of studio stuff when people come is that there’s nothing literal that is being given. Not a dinner, a movie, cup of coffee or tea. There is no reward. We were talking about that in a meeting yesterday and I realized that I really have devalued myself in so many ways that I don’t see people wanting to hang out with me just because it’s me. I remember when I was a kid and had friends over I would plan activities so they’d leave with a grab bag of stuff. We’d do craft projects. It was the hope they’d go “I got 4 different things when I played with Christina, that’s great. I play with her and get stuff. I want to play with her again.” I felt I had to bribe people to play with me. And at age 35 am still dealing with that.
Oh life is funny. Anyway, it’s 10pm and I’m drinking coffee and eating m&ms feeling that it was a long, but good day. I also deleted all of my dating apps last night- don’t remember if I wrote that or not. I like the idea of having a partner in crime. But I like the idea of working to make my life as I lead it function as best it can. I know I will pick up more passengers along the way. If one turns out to be a spouse cool, but if not I will have a solid group of people I love who love me back who can be my life Posse in crime 😆