it’s 10:10 and I haven’t yet written this (obviously) and know I need to. Yet the thought of doing so brings on a sadness. I don’t know how to address today without touching on all the things that are eating at me: insecurities, finances, doing the next right thing, letting go and letting god. Etc etc etc.
At this moment I’m feel a clutch around my heart squeezing it. It is not comfortable. I’m sure there is a medical reason, like my anxiety is kicking in, but it just feels like an aching heart.
to me, right now, it feels like I am doing everything I can to the best of my ability. Working my program and giving and giving so much of myself to the world. I know this is what I should do. I remember the St Francis prayer and go back to that.
Today has sucked. One big thing that it’s not worth retelling as that would activate my justified anger that I have been releasing into the ether. It just feels like right now, at this moment, to quote Marilyn Monroe from the fabulous movie some like it hot “I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.” That is me tonight. I have things that I just get done by specific times tomorrow. There is no it can wait another day. And I am behind.
And I want to scream, cry, punch something just get this out of my system— all the little ticks of things that just haven’t been quite right today.
I also recognize that my frustrations are first world problems as right now I am leading a life that is suited oh so well for me. I just wish I had a day or two to just work in my studio and try and clean things up. But of course a day or two would never be enough.
I looked at a sculpture I did in the past three years and was mystified that that came from me. I wanted to touch it and feel it, explore it and get to know it again. I crave that little sculpture right now to comfort me and remind me that this, my current mood is a temporary one and to not give up.
I am doing what I can to the best of my abilities and I believe I am doing it well. However it may be I will let go and let god, breathe and reboot, and see what things I can accomplish tomorrow.
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,Grant that I may not so much seekTo be consoled as to console; To be understood, as to understand; To be loved, as to love; For it is in giving that we receive, It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. Amen.