I am double posting today. Which is so silly to state as it is obvious. Work was great. I have been reading “Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind” and it is hilarious. Today I read for about an hour - two chapters and the ladies laughed and laughed and laughed. Some until they cried I believe. And then finished the day leading a crossword.
Going to visit my good friend, her husband and their 4 kids has become a Friday ritual. I often stay for dinner and sometimes run riot with the kiddos. It is wonderful. Today was no different. A friend of the kids was visiting so she and I had more time to chat. We talked about a lot- art, small business, life, managing multiple responsibilities and being honest. I am truly blessed that they have become such close friends as they both went to St Olaf and are midwestern. There are some things someone who doesn’t have the Midwest in their blood just can’t understand,
I was updating her on all of the changes good and bad that are occurring and how I have accepted that these things I like the idea of very well could not happen for me. She reminded me that I cannot rule anything out and she is right. I tried to clarify to her and will try to clarify with all y’all. God this is so like some tragic soap opera where the kiln explodes. And it is not. It’s simple, just my life and me readjusting expectations and hopes.
I never felt right and really never thought it get married or have kid(s). I could not imagine at a young age being interested in me- not a variety of things. And then having worked alongside a FAS baby it became clear how not drinking during pregnancy is essential. And I knew I couldn’t to that. And to be honest was looking for validation not love or partnership in any flings i had.
When I got sober and through the first year I began to feel and see how different I was becoming. How there are things that I had never cinsidered possible that now are. I’ve been working my tail off to become independent and self sufficient, thinking I’d make myself into a valuable partner. Someone would see me and thing “she is smart, kinda cute, funny, and can make stuff. What a steal!!!” Thinking about it now that is what I expected. This feels like that time for me. I have gotten sober, worked so fucking hard to learn and grow and be happy joyous and free.
For all of you generation who the heck knows I am like the guy in Reality Bytes who claims that society owes him a snickers. That has been me, I have expectations that I now deserve what I want, and th truth is maybe I do. But that does not mean I will get them. It to me goes back to the double edged sword - equal and opposite emotions do occur to balance the whole mess out. Someone ,ay fall in love with me and become a great love, feelings I currently love may lead simewhere, I may get pregnant, get a puppy, a stupid picket fence. And I may get none of these. I may just have a friend group/family I love and who loves me.
All of this sounds or reads black and white and it’s not. It’s a bit ducking mess of grays. I am not going to seek anything out or search for love in a hope of sharing these years that are proving to be so ridiculously fun with someone special. I give all of these hopes and dreams to HP to deal me or finish dealing me my hand for this game.
So often of late I feel like a filter, trying to share and give all that I have learned and all the lessons that babe brought me peace and joy to the world. It’s just hard, I get asked by so many of the ladies, especially ones with dementia about my kids or husband. And I always turn it into a joke about not having any and not being married, but damn, that gets hard when the eyes bug out. And questions get asked.
so this blog is really just cleaning out my system. I am tired about caring about and focusing on this aspect if my life, truth be told there is no aspect as my two relationships in sobriety have both ended up dishonesty and lifestyle choices that won’t work for me, along with critique of me and the patterns I have developed or in feelings that cannot or will not be returned. I can control 3 things: my thoughts actions and reactions. Being sad about all of this doesn’t make anything better. It just wastes time. What I can do is continue to act and share my love of clay and helping people find some peace — thinking of my work at OLOP. I can think and act on those fronts. I can work to create a life in which I can comfortably support myself while saving for retirement. I can focus on being me,
tomorrow I get to work with this community of individuals who I cannot imagine not having in my lif now. I get to test a new clay project for two- a birthday gift- that could be the start of date night event I hold. The world IS an oyster and I am finding beautiful porcelain pearls in it. Self love and self care, I do love myself and the work I do in the world. I am just going to keep on living do the next right thing,
oh life. You are funny and mysterious. If this is just one of many go arounds in the Ferris wheel I am glad to be here. I’ve had some bumps and twists but goodness gracious I am glad I am here,