I need to go to sleep soon. Keep my schedule as regular as I can. Meaning I’m just slightly tilted. I’m crooked. That’s what playing dice w Nixon will do... jk. Dead President. Never played dice. Crooked. Hmmm.
I’m feeling the timeline is shortening and every day and action is becoming more important as I don’t have too many redos or don’t worry about it. I have a schedule I have been relaxed with to help keep my sanity and am now having to learn how to let it out to doing what is essential. Not was is desired.
So often now I feel like I am repeating myseld. Reiterating the same thing with minor details changed. I have become a stutterer. Developed a case of Tourette’s. Decided to do a live re-enactment of memento.
i hope it’s not frustrating for y’all, my blog readers. Or blog reader. I still refuse to check my numbers as I don’t want to feel self conscious. But be honest. Transparent. Even if it’s a reoccurring hiccup.
I can only control myself and I am feeling a lot of worry and concern. A lot of self doubt and immense pride. I am feeling a paradox. I am so worried that I will flop and disappoint. But disappoint who? What? How? The worse case, which will not happen, is still great in that it’s knowledge to incorporate.
i can make all sorts of excuses- drinking dreams, people close to me struggling with the disease, acceptance that I’m not god. But what it comes down to is that I am scared. I am really really scared. And excited. And worried. I’m that paradox.
I brought all of this up at a meeting tonight and realized that I am the one who can turn all of this into an albatross I lug around and make a big deal out of. I write enough about all of this lunacy that iy might as well be an epic poem. (It really is a beautiful poem).
I am not perfect. My work won’t be perfect. It will be what it will be and good. I haven’t been lazy. I don’t think I could have done any more than I have. I won’t be as cute as Audrey Hepburn. But I’ll be a hell of a lot cuter than mama June.
There are so many things I want and do not have. But what I need I have. And in abundance.