I wonder if questioning and self doubt will just always be a major part of my life. A form of acceptance?
I say/write/state this as I am so tired and ready for a long nights sleep (I’ll really only get ~5 hrs.
I listen and watch my friends move through their relationships and love being a part of their lives. It is bittersweet and makes me feel unwholesomely jealous at times. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Or, truth be told, never the bridesmaid. Only one friend mentioned me being one. She later had none except for her sister sort of and has now dropped me as a friend.
but talking like that will get me into self pity zone and I don’t want to go there. Except to say that I am doing good sober work. I have begun to love myself even as I frustrate myself. And just hope that sometime someone will think I am worth it. Because I won’t bend in some of the ways I am setting up my life right now. I refuse to atone for the realities that are me.
Apparently I am a stubborn lady and can hold onto things for a long time. Grudges. Man I am a good grudge holder, but I’m working to change that. The crappy thing is I still am interested in someone who isn’t interested in me other than as another person with the disease. It sucks. My last relationships have all been with people who should be in this program, or just not drinking and aren’t. It has made me skittish. And I just have to deal with it.
Adulting can suck. This has just been something that I feel has been irritating me. Like a rash. I need cortisone or something to take care of it and hope that by writing this I end up feeling ridiculous and laugh myself out of my emotional rut.
Because my life is going well. I don’t know what will happen, but just am trusting that it will be good. I am being active in life and helping others and enjoying seeing what and how I can add my spark to the world. I took care of a friends kids tonight and goodness, they stole my heart (not for the first time) as I cuddled them next to me as I read the latest exploits of Eerie Elementary and Ribsy, Henry Huggins dog.
So to end- the great things right now. I’m working hard and not freaking out. I’m trying to make time for friends, family, people in the program and be engaged. I am accepting that I won’t be as together or as good as I would like to be, but I will have the best possible. I care and can love. I feel and find it easy to feel and express that. I don’t feel guilty about it and I don’t feel apologetic. I am feeling me. I’m even starting to accept my double chin.
i have a crush on a cute, awkward nerdy guy who isn’t as terminally unique as he thinks he is. Unique, definitely, but not nearly as unapproachable as he give off. That is annoying, but fine. I am a strong, stubborn Norwegian and will deal with it until I get over it. Done. Boom. If that’s the biggest worry/annoyance my life is pretty ducking awesome.