How can we be such paradoxes? I certainly feel like one right now. Things are going well. Lots to do but it’s slowly getting done. And right now I feel like my heart is breaking some. (i also just heard a guy say on a stage whisper “chewing tobacco” while busing a coffee cup and before walking out the door in too tight blue jeans. A male bubble butt is not something you see every day.)
I was talking to a friend about it earlier tonight- a friend who is coming to sit and just be with me right now about having really good days but wanting to cry at the end.
Or at least I hope it’s paradox. Hmmmm...
(from google dictionary)
- a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true.
Yup. Paradox is the fitting word. I think I am beginning to accept that I can’t be more than me. That me is pretty good but not perfect. I can’t get exactly what I want. Or change what isn’t my reaction.
Adulting can be frustrating at times. But so satisfying when you know you are doing all you can at your top level (or current top level as I feel every top is just a stepping stone) Multiple people I care deeply for are suffering from this same disease, alcoholism, and are not treating it. And I can’t do anything other than be kind and live my life the best way I can.
I wrote my friend- It’s a good day but you haven’t gotten a pony at the end. And that is it. I recognize the absurdity of what I’d like and am starting to accept it and the frustration/sadness. (a couple just sat down at a table, totally an early date. The girl just flipped her hair and smiled an “I’m interested smile”)
the good news is I can’t to everything but I’ve done much today. A lady was grieving the loss of her mother and adored dog and I gave her a drawing. I folded brochures and gave a shout out high five to someone in a new position. I took care of the trash and unloaded the dishwasher. I have helped the world and now the world is helping me with having one of my best friends come and hold my hand and empathize.
so that is the kicker of the paradox. It turns out to an absurd truth! With hints of positive, progress and goodness in it.
And one of my greatest strengths is my ever expanding heart. I can take this heartache and build a special chamber in the atrium with drawings of puppy dogs and ponies! Ok, my friend is going to be here soon. Now it’ll just be fun as blogging has pulled me out of my paradoxical phunk. 🤣