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minutes of loving today. I think I got it in. It’s been a good day. A productive day. Im having to teach myself that working hard doesn’t have to entail panic, manic, guilt, but is just steady application of a skill repeatedly in a methodical manner. It can be fun. And not manic fun. 

So strange. My tingle toes are having trouble accepting that accepting that isn’t me being lazy. Hahahahahaha. Womp womp. Go figure.

Today I had a revelation in my thinking. How to get to the middle way and stay there makes sense now. I hate how people (me) will talk about something as in black and white. I found the middle way- like that is the creme filled center of an Oreo. Or a pony. A specific tangible thing. A paper clip. Or what is it — a towel! (Autocorrect changed it to fowl which is great as I was thinking about my bro with this reference and BOOM “fowl” a Freudian homage to my bro.) -‘yeah— a towel! Like in HHGG. 

I think rather I am realizing that I am in a circle or lens, Hahahaha—I’m such a nerd— and the middle path is somewhere in this circle and I am somewhere in this circle and we will at times be close and at times be further but depending on how I practice right thought and action will influence the time and duration we meet. That also makes me think of the description in Einstein— his life and universe, a biography I listened to while working stained glas in Philly. I was putting windows and remember going through so many pairs of gloves as I would have to pause and rewind pause rewind multiple times to hear the visualization of how relativity is the unoverse folding in on itsel around a ball. Or something like that. that was a really good book.

i am glad I am reading and engaging again. I stopped doing that at the end of my alcoholic career. I wasn’t interesting. Lost my light.

right now someone is staying at my house who also shares this disease. It is. That is it really, it just is. I can’t do any more than be me, try to have right thoughts and actions, and love and be kind. It is humbling. I’m not sure how to write what I feel or think without sounding too swarmy in some ways. It makes me feel more strongly how important it is to try to live in that nebulous middle ground and be a conduit. I don’t care how or what people use to deal with their demons (within reason of course— meaning I don’t care if someone thinks aa is crap, religion the opiate of the masses, whatever. I don’t give a shit what you believe as long as those beliefs don’t inflict harm upon you or others.) 

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its strange. Writing this makes me feel like I’m adulting. tomorrow a good friend hits 6 months and I am so proud of her!! I’m taking her out for espresso shots and cookies!!! 

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It has been a good day. I really like the new Star Trek. Gnite!

Christina Osheim