i have been one crappy blogger. I am sorry about that. And perhaps thay is a sign of why I am feeling how I currently do. Ive gotten thrown off my center. Right now I am so freaking tired that I can barely keep my eyes open and just want exactly what i want to appear in front of me before ive even thought of or desired it.
Ive always though about life being alin to a sine graph and if that is the case wonder if I am on a down loop. It feels like right now I am stuck in a chicken/egg situation and am feeling almost overwhelmed to catatonia. Can I make up words? Catatonic + hysteria along with a touch of Patagonia brand- outdoor gear for the bourgeoisie primarily caucasian nature lovers primarily used to troll around urban landscapes.
The question would my snotty definition of Patagonia apply to me? Am I complicit in somethint that I feel a bit resentful or dismissive of. Huh. Something to think about. Not That this noggin isnt ever not full of stuff to consider. (I am watching Harry Potter on tv right now and i LOVE ❤️❤️❤️ Gary Oldman. Man talk about a celebrity crush. *swoon*)
Right now I am feeling a lot of fear. And self doubt. I have made the choices I have in terms of my business and life with much thought and consideration. I have helped guide/push the business to where it seems like the market demands it be. Now, though, there seems to be a hiccup. Or growing pains. And I am so worried that I have put my faith and effort into something that is not sustainable.
It is so bizarre as to do this intelligently I must try to acknowledge and accept any and every outcome. It is also bizarre as talking or writing about this as I am bow feels like an "I give up" proclamation and makes me so darn hesitant to write this on a public blog post. But as my endeavor with doing this was to be honest about the journey I think to not include this in the blog would be lying by omission. Like me not publicly addressing that I am an alcoholic nearing 11 months of sobriety. And alwqys having good happy positive things isnt possible.
So that is essentially it. I am making a but if a mountain out of a mole hill. I have had two unsatisfactory shows and am feeling blue. Blueeee as can be. Maybe a cool steel blue. Or I am a gecko and taking after my surroundings.
But that is the honest truth. As an addict it is my tendancy to obsess over things. And at this moment it is easy to focus on the few negative things and go to town.
So here is the not optimistic view (as right now even though i normally am optimistic it feels fake and would make me feel like fight clubbing myself sans jazzercise) but a different view of what is happening:
i had my first big show at a convention center. It wasnt a well run show and was not a good experience for me. I did learn a lot from the bad aspects if it and will go forward as a much more educated lady for future endeqvors
I got out of my normal circadian rhythm of work jazzercise meetings and blogging. I missed doing all as regularly as I have for a while
it is rainy and gray and i have seasonal affective disorder.
I have been working a ton and not getting enough rest.
Today this farmers market was cold and rainy.
So, if I wasn't tired and blue perhaps there would be somethint wrong. And that taking this day to be quiet post market (which really was ~7 hrs of work) and watch harry potter, nap on the couch, catch up on my blog and actually write somethint not half assed, shower and go to a meeting later tonight before heading to bed early to jazzercise and church tomorrow i would be nuts. That what i am feeling is normal. And that I am not infallible and am not perfect. Good lord, i remind myself of that so often in terms of recovery. I want to be perfect, strive to be perfext, wnd must accept that I ak just a mere mortal with a penchant for cheddar bunnies and tonic water.'
Life is a mad adventure. ok, now instead of 2nd breakfast i think it may be time for 2nd nap.