hump day

Life is such a learning process. Yesterday I discovered that as an introvert I *can* be cheerful, vivacious, gregarious for a time. I can try on extrovert shoes but pretty quickly they begin to pinch my heels. And extroverts exhaust me. I like extroverts, I have fun, but if it is a high energy extrovert I end up feeling wrung out like a dish towel. 

Yesterday I had meetings or conversations with people about things, ideas, requests, interests, master plans. I like this! Master plans are really exciting. But mentally straining. And when I start to feel like it is dumped on me or my time is being requested to make someone elses dream happen I get stretched too thin. And cranky. And tired. 

I am still tired today from yesterday. I was asleep early and slept late but feeling wiped and overwhelmed still. Fortunately I had a therapy appointment scheduled for today and a few things of note were pointed out to me. One being that as I am in charge of a lot of things my instinct is to go into it apologetically, like i've already messed up and am trying to excuse it. To make excuses. Interesting. I'm not thinking: ok, i'm doing it so i can do it how i would like it to be and people will be happy they don't have to themselves. Instead I think "oh god, what if i fuck this up?!? how will i fuck this up?!? THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!" And I take that and run with it. Another point was what i was stating before - i am an introvert. Extroversion in large doses exhausts me and begins to make me feel resentful. I begin to feel I need to fit this extroverts plan and change myself to fit their desires. Often this is possible and, again, I love grand master plans. But I need to learn to set healthy boundaries and time limits for my time. It is not can I do this, but should I do this right now. The small stuff will build up and I have a very fragile psyche right now that is trying to learn to walk a different sober path through life. And while it is fabulous being sober I am learning new skill sets. And with great power comes great responsibility - perhaps not quite the right saying or 100% applicable to my situation, but the point is I am learning new ways of living and making those new behaviors the go to habit/way of living will be and is hard. It is easy to revert to "old" alcoholic me patterns. I need Pavlov's bell to be a nice americano with 1/2 and 1/2 with a chocolate chip cookie and wifi! (I am also sitting in a coffee shop working, drinking an americano and eating a chocolate chip cookie now! Pavlov comes into my life as a nice piece of cloth with Abe's face on it!!!) The other and perhaps the most important was we talked about worse case scenario. I fuck up it all. There is no Mobius Keramikk. I end my business. Things literally blow up. I can and will find something else to do and I will not drink. So, with that, the sky is not falling.

So I will keep up my rituals of meetings and exerciser and sleep and work. And have started becoming really tuned to my body and mind as I am recognizing all of these problems as they are arising. My brain does begin to say "danger will robinson." My instincts are working! And as I worry about failure and messing up and if my instincts are off I need to remind myself that all I am getting from people are ideas and suggestions. I can take all and I can take none. If the theory put your eggs in one basket applies to life I am putting my eggs in MY basket. If I can incorporate anothers eggs, cool, but my ova are hanging out in this body and who and what they hang with is their/my choice! Any wonder I am pro choice? 

It's so funny that a day of nice, well wishing people all wanting good things for you wipes you out and puts you into a fight or flight mode - high anxiety tense etc. 

I am still feeling a bit keyed up. But not as anti social, need to put a pillow over my ears and numb everything out. And with all of this change and beginning to move out of my bubble it makes sense to be on high alert. I should be on high alert. I am nearing 10 months of sobriety next week, but as life becomes more complicated I think sobriety does as well. It's not bad, but it just means that I believe I will always be active in a sober community. 

So, computer work, here I come! 

Mental picture to leave you with: bunny, polka dots, coffee roaster, printing press, midget in a red suit, wind blowing, kite flying

Christina Osheim