Hop! Hop. hop. h...
This energizer bunny is feeling drained. I am caught in that realm of what to share and how personal to get. Its so funny, this is a public blog and is easily found if you have any curiosity about me and my work.
Not hiding, but not putting up a disco ball, strobe lights, and platform metallic heels yelling "LOOOK! READ!!!! XTINA ON A PLATE (browser window)!!!!!! Served with a nice boozless chianti and fava beans.
The point of that is I forget sometimes thay this is public. As it has become a daily ritual it often ends as the last thing of the day with whatever I feel like. Hints. Uber exhausted photo/video journal, exhausted but annoyingly pretentious haiku, exhausted short summary and a few pics, exhausted but feeling the need to actually say somethimg that has been a bee in my bonnet hopefuly thoughtful writing thay ends in gobbledygook because my eyes close and i am too lazy to fix already clumbsy thumbs on an iphone keyboard. Siri has given me the cold shoulder and my poor calloused pads are what i must communicate with.
And what the hell. Ive now just wasted a bunch of free blog space writing about inane shit because I am unsure of how specific I want to be with what I'm thinking/feeling lest it come and bite me in the ass as it wouldnt necessarily be private.
i am teying to do this whole living the best way I can. Being honest and not manipulative unless with clay and really learning how to trust my instincts again.
theres that movie "how to train ypir
dragon." I haven't seen it, but love the title. That is what I am feeling like- how to train my dragon (aka life) how do i go about communicating and setting boumdaries i can live and grow within without having to feel like im having to turn into a juggler balancing everyone elses egos in ways that won't impede mine.
I hate the idea that I need to have a plaque saying "im an alcoholic witj high anxiety im recovery who is Im credibly skilled at lying and faking it. What you dont see behind this smiling laughing exterior is a mind that is constantly worrying over a myriad of tasks, responsibilities, finances, and if i am just an insane person to give this idea of a business a shot."
I HATE that I often need to explain it or try to explain it. That I am thinking and dreaming and working for this pretty much 24/7. And for me so much of this is acceptance of aspects of my personality. I worry and I am anxious. I have chronic anxiety that rates at about a 1.5/2 with daily meds. I can deal with it, but must watch it carefully to make sure it doesn't get elevated. And in accepting that I adjust my schedule so that i use my abilities at their optimal hour. Its same with my feet. It ranks at a chronic 2. Its fine but annoying. But dwelling on all of these negatives sucks. What can I do to fix it, I am doing. Why remind people all the time? I want it to be like me not being able to smell, people forget. I want people to forget that I am an addict with chronic issuea because I have integrated them into
the warp and weft of my weave. (That makes me think of philly streets- chicken wing bones and tumble weaves).
And every time I have to go into the space and orate: these are the reasons i am doing this. This is the logic. Is it ideal, no. I cant do it all right now. I am trying to do what is most important in that order and respond to the momentum I feel my business is oicking up. And as Things grow and expand it must be done in a way I can handle and not get too overwhelmed by. I have to be able to do it. And that I worry and feel stretched so fucking thin at times that I am terrified I will break. I haven't yet, but am aware that it is the wolf at the door.
In doing my fears that was one I wrote about- I am afaid I will break. The how can I trust god with this fear part came down to i have been given the tools I can use to keep me sober and the self awareness to read what my body is feeling and needa (slewp, iron, vegetables, etc)
And so I build around all of this and feel like Im always moving forward and growing and makiny progress, friends, connections,
skills, but also always feel a bit like il doggy paddling to catch up. And thay the list of
catch ups is a catch all for all of
the shit i sont havr time to do
and feel guilty about.
So heres a "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!"
what the fuck! Am i fucking insane! I CANNOT PLEASE
EVERYONE OR BE WHAT YOU WANY ME TO BE. I CAN ONLY BE ME!!!
Thats it, really. I can only just be me. I hear things like "i thought you wete doing better at x" or "you need to stop
or "you should" "are you?" "Have you" "well, i think"
and i just want to scream and cry and shout all of this becomes a ball od stress, guilt, and obligation I carry around in my knapsack. Pleeeeeease leave me alone and trust that I am beyond nervous and concerned about what I am doing and all of the wrong awkward steps I make along the way.
So blog buddies who are still with me I just took the monster of all dumps tonight. Perhaps I feel a bit lighter, but perhaps this is me just doing what the air compressor from yesterday did. Release pressure. It will build up
again. And be released again. Because that is the thint about acceptance and the serenity prayer "god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference." This post is a rebellion on my end of trying to fins acceptance for things i cannot change. I do not like it. But it is the truth.
anyeay, this is tuebing into a tired exhaisted lost bot sure what i am writing now or if im making any sense bc this bunny has just found the rabbit lair and is wanting to burrowndown for the bezt dew hlurs.