Guilt is such a funny thing. I feel guilty right now. I am sitting on the couch, just made a cup of coffee, have my feet propped up and have the italian job playing in the background.
I feel like I need to have a time card and justification of how I spend my hours and that a good amount of the work I am doing doesnt have an immediate tangible thing to show. And I know I just unloaded a kiln, but the kicker is moments like those are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The rainbow has a heck of a lot more colora than roy g biv.
I know a good chunk of this guilty feeling lies on my shoulders. But a good chunk also comes from how my decision to start this business and see if this life will work for me impacts others. So much of what i am doing and how I am moving forward is based on talking to a lot of people, looking, listening, watching, putting my ear to the ground, jumping at opportunities that present themselves and really following my gut.
I am beginning to believe it will all work. Which is so crazy. Not sure how, but Im thinking it might. As a result I am so terrified of fucking up. Oh my gosh. Terrified. I started reading "the gift." I thinj ky brother got it for me a few xmass ago and believe it is exactly what i should be reading now. Because that is going to be a problem dor me, or something I have to work theough. How do I charge what is appropriate for my work. My immediate response to people liking and purchasing my work is YES!!!! My babies are going out into the world and will have their own adventures. I get to share my joy. The money is secondary but nexessary. It is a fucked up system for the maker. In an ideal world I have someone who prices everything and says this should he that etc etc and makes me swear on whatever thay i wont lower or give stuff away.
that makes me sound all robin hood and idealistic. I am not a female robin hood, though I am an idealist. If someone loves my work I want them to be able to have it.
And im terrified of fucking up.
I havent yet. But man oh man. Since a number of potentially important things are on the horizon I really just need to work. And am exhausted. My tricep has begun to twitch.
So I am skipping the family vacation. It is a week I can work and move into the new space and really try to produce.
At a meeting I walked into a bit late yesterday I heard someone talking about how procrastination is really just sloth and a sin or character defect we should work to change or amend. I end up wondering. I am not glazing right now because I cannot envisipn how I want to aee this objects turn out. How my markings should be expressed. But then which comes first: the chicken or the egg? Do I just not know bc I am terrified and want to be lazy. Or am I terrified because I never know what I want until I do and then I do it asap? Or is t a combo?
So I end up feeling I need to justify my every action. "Really, I was working on my blog which is a daily action and ergo part of ky job. Might just be the keep me sober job but thay is still a job I work hard for. And I had to email all of these people and apply for these markets and do my social media afuff and go to the bank to deposit $$$ and get a nrw card bc my old one had to be cancelled to to fraudulent attempts to steal it... really im working im working im working. Not being lazy."
welcome to the mind of the alcoholic. Obsessive thought. For me that can be great bc I draw and art obsessively. It can also turn me into a lemur running off the cliff.
Thats where I am. Everything is going so well. Much better than I expexted. And I am feeling so stretched. Pulled taught. And exhausted. But need to keep working and so do.
So I have a werk I didnt expect. I wont have the vacation I planned on but I wont lose my momentum and can hopefully gain some. So my little lazy bones, yoube blogged for .5 hr and been lazy and now feel either guilty enough, ready, resigned or psyched to go outside and see if magic happens. Remember: i can aleays make it again and very likely make it better.
hope you all are having titilating Tuesdays!