Blue really is beautiful
I love adventures. The word adventure says it all: ad- to or toward veno, venere, venui, ventus - to come
adventure, to come toward something. Theres some mystery to it. Come to what? The pot at the end of the rainbow, alibabas lair, a tropp hiding beneath a bridge, a damn fine cup of coffee? You get it, the list can and does go on. But all of those are fun adventures. Or seemingly fun adventures. But the Inferno is also an adventure. Or the albatross. Moby Dick. So many fairytales were dark adventures before Disney bastardized them.
i love adventures and have them every day. Often silly and simple things, but sometimes not. Sometimes my adventures lead me into a dark place. That is why I bring it up. Right now I habe a terrible feeling of dread. My stomach feels a bit sick, it's churning and not happy. I can feel my anxiety levels rising along with my blood pressure. I am feeling like im lying on a table with a guillotine blade ready to fall at any second. This one... maybe... or maybe anoher 3.... or 4.... 60 of them... 60 x 60....but maybe now... or... or....
it sucks. I keep waiting for this invisible rug to be pulled up from underneath me. I was talking to a friend about how I often fear falling down stairs. We started talking about fear becoming self fulfilling prophecy. So is that what I am doing? Am I the person who unknowingly strung up the guillotine and am going to lop my own head off? Pull that invisible rug out from under? Be the troll underneath the bridge? Seemingly happy, loves to laugh me??? What?
For those of you reading this, worry not I am not suicidal of contemplating hurting myself from anything other than eating another cookie. I am using this blog as it was intended, to write honestly about my thoughts. I have been careful to try not to sugar coat it and often do feel a bit nervous of the very personal information I put here in the public eye. I also try to be so careful to keep the information related solely to me and not pull friends and family into my mad labyrinth. My name is christina, not Daedelus.
I do feel this way right now. So tightly wound and just waiting for something to happen to "put me in my place." To remind me of all of the awful things I have done, bad thoughts Ive had, selfish desires. Remind me that I am a very faulty human who dreamed too big. Expected to much.
Fuck. It sucks. But I think that is it. I have a therapist I see once a week as party recocery into living a sober life and repavloving myself. I saw her today and we talked about all of the barriers I erect, how I don't let myself feel and as a result do limit the life I can lead. It is so scary to feel. I am trying to, to open myself up, to slowly unwind that ball, to expose myself even more. To try not to poke and test everything until the horse is beyond dead, its pulverized. And bits of me are feeling, but as there is an equal and opposite reaction to all this dread is also part of it. I feel like shit, when I have absolutely nothing to feel shitty about. I had an amazing day and evening and got so much done! And now feel guilty and bad for ?!? Who knows.
Earlier in a blog I wrote about being just me, the me filled with contradictions and man, I am feeling that right now. I am one silly, frustrating contradiction.
My therapist and I also talked about how I have blocked my grief at a life and lifestyle I will no longer live. The fact that I am loving, current panic included, this life, it is also kicking me in the ass with what I was and how that is something I cannot, should not, and will not hide. And will also try to not be ashamed of.
Tomorrow is my 14 year anniversary of my head injury, so I wonder if a bit of my panic is from that and the fact that I have a packed day with lots if driving planned. I dont know.
The thing is feelings and nights like this I have often not talked about and bottled up and put on a shelf with years full of old vintages of worry. I'd say they were pricey as they're antique but there are oh so many that they become devalued.
So cyber world, having run a half marathon, be glad it wasnt a full!, here is what i think:
1. I am workong hard and moving forward.
2. As I repavlov myself and make new routines and add more responsibilities i can see how dangerously close to the edge i came.
3. It is natural to mourn the death of something even if something ever more joyous is the result.
4. I am so blessed to have all who are in my life in it.
5. I have blue moods like everyone else. Then realize i just need to listen to some joni mitchell, eat a chips ahoy, and go to bed early so i can get my little bunny tail to jazzercise.
6. I am strong and can and will handle what comes my way. And laugh, and be nerdy, and make bad jokes, and make
sooooooooooo, internet friends, thanks for leting me rant and muse. I am feeling better and realizing that my deliciously deep brain was not too badly hurt 14 years ago as it has no trouble spinning many a yarn.
and finally!!!!! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST SISTER IN LAW IN THE WORLD! ❤️❤️❤️