I am a curious person, by any definition or connotation that word has. Curiosity also killed the cat. (I dont really like cats, this bitch prefers dogs, and hasn't died yet). So with a really screwy form of logic that does fit the really loose criteria I can honestly state that my curiosity is a good thing. (Sister in law, please please please do not read this to my brother as I can picture his face: look of bemusement, brow furrowed, a shaking of the head, a shrug of the shoulders and then 1 of 3 a. Sigh b. "Man" c. Look of resigned acceptance, ie is not surprised by his sisters flawless logic.)
Now my brilliance has made me lose track of my previous thoughts. Drat! Such mental acuteness is draining! 😜
Oooh yes. I remember. A friend and I were texting the other day. Apparently in the 21st century sms-ing now counts as talking... and we were on the "never be ok" "never be normal" thread. I, perhaps somewhat naively, stated that I have given up on normalcy and ok as terms I try to apply to myself or fit. I am hating terms, titles, etc. more and more. (S.I.L., the only reason I always use titles to apply to you and my bro is because I am working to be as protective of the anonymity of my friends and family. Its not hard to figure out, but I know many are conscious of their online presence and really want to make sure that they are the crafts-super-ego of their online presence. Which I can understand).
Anyhooo. I really dislike titles. More and more I see how they can be used as negatives. Used against someone, something, whatever. Thats a whole nother rant and I try, sort of, to stay out of politics on this. Sort of.
And that is where curiosity kicks in. How can I create a life that works for me, trying as hard as I can to not let societies expectations guide or limit me to the "norm." Clearly that [the norm] doesnt work for me. It would be easier if it did. Kind of like not getting into the mcguffey. It would be easier if I did. But then would that ease limit what I dare to try? I have started thinking about how I am going about things. It is logical. It makes sense. I am not thinking of prestige, or to be honest Im trying to think practially of how the hell can I make this be a sustainable living. How can I make it work. Do I want prestige, of course, but Id rather make a living for now.
This is perhaps also why I say I might be acting naively. I have to go right now on the instinct Im building. My therapist and I were talking about it- or rather-I was telling her my concern with trusting my gut as I move forward as it aided me in attaining the gold medal of alcoholism. She asked "what did you just say when we were talking earlier?" And I stated that I said "I am starting to curl up, my anxiety is rising and then readjusted myself to put my feet on the carpet and ground myself." My gut is starting to autocorrect itself. To repavlov me. So perhaps with more sound logic than used before Regarding curiosity I can safely state that my gut is trustworthy with continued training. 6 pack abs, my brain will out crunch you any day!!! These are going to be mental abs you can grate cheese on!
So anyway, my rambling blog today that hopefuly has a few salient points. I am casting new molds and working and waiting for them to be ready for the next step. Listening to great music, watching harry potter and the deathly hallows now after having done my morning chores. And it doesnt feel like work. I am having fun. And that makes me think "whaaaat? Fun??? Are you sure this is ok? Are you seriously working if you think that watching a movie, doing online stuff, mainly related to clay, and thinking that you should think about starting dinner counts? Maybe i should bake cookies?
And this pulls me back to definitions. Trying to live a normal life or trying to not live a normal life those both have really limiting parameters. (Yes, I do like paramaters but I'm picky about which ones I like. Does that make me fussy or complicated or contradictory, yup, but thats how this brownstone was built). I have had people use my current situation, living with my rents while getting Möbius Keramikk and me up and running as an annormal negative.. The implication has been that I have the white rich silver spoon intellectual trust fund that lets me have the pretense of making my life work as it suits me best. That I am lazy. That in order for this life of mine to be valid it has to fit some accepted mold. It has to be ok.
I will be the first to stare how lucky I am. But there is an end date to when I need to be not as reliant as I have been. I think it is coming with my 1 year gold medallion. In my head I have this year to experiment of what patterns work best for me. And then after a year of no drinking I should have a tool belt that will help me face whatever comes my way.
I just went to check on my babies and could feel my heart beat begin to rise and a feeling of panic begin to desend. So my feet are now planted and I am breathing deeply. I dont often talk or dwell on these facts as they stress me out and bring about a panic. This is all being done on the belief that I am a skilled enough craftswoman with a strong and compelling enough voice to make an impact in the world and a financially sound life for me. This is me jumping off the cliff and trusting my gut is correct and I can do it. Not only the physical work but applications, networking, website, finances, studio, sober work, involvement in giving back in the community, and perhaps reading a book at some point. When I go macro I think someone should put me in a padded cell. So I am taking after my mom and going micro. I multitask as I can and make loving it all a part of my job description. And it is so screwy that I feel I should be apologetic for having the ability to try to schedule my life so it is ideally suited to me! So I say curiosity and gut, lead me forth! Let's make this magic happen! Experiment Christina: onto the next phase!