Life goes in loops. Loopity loopity loop loop loop. Sometimes a circle, sometimes a parabola, sometimes a confused slinky. Perhaps that is what a Möbius strip is- a really confused slinky. Ha! My head will have some fun with that.
It was about a year ago my drinking problem was discovered and i started the train ride I am currently on. It seems just yestersay and oh so long ago. That probably showcases my naivete or inexperience or youth or something. But, if so and if that is problematic I really dont care.
Because it has been a year of looping back in a way. I am reminded of when I was 16. Some of the fashions are coming back, Im wearing hippie skirts, hanging out in coffee shops, toting my sketchbook like a warrior princess! But I am not 16, I am 34 and appreciate this lightness in a way I didnt when 16 or 17. Perhaps because there are so many different levels with different things happening also occurring. That lightneas and nostalgia is just one small level. Perhaps the attic window, or the fromt atrium. It is a space filled with sun and vitamin D.
Today at my meeting the conversation was on humility. I sat there sketching, feeling like the elephant in the room as someone else in there had commented that my sketching distracted them in a "stop doing it" manner, to which I replied "so i just won't sit next to you." And today i thought. FUCK. Does that reaction (and this was a few weeks ago) somehow make me the person who isnt humble enough to put down my sketchbook if it impedes others??? Am I staying selfish and narcissistic and egocentric??? Is my drawing really a problem? Am I soooo far from humble that it would take the whole ant genus to carry me to the land of humble pie???
I honestly don't know the answer. And very likely I never really will as it seems that a humble nature is something that you seek for your entire lfe. Aim to walk the middle path, but accept we will often get pulled away for good bad and ugly things.
And how does this relate to looping? And by writing this am I encroaching on the dogma of anonymity that is so important? I honestly don't know. I am trying to find out. Maybe that is where the loop is. I remember feeling so independent when I was 16! I could drive around cville with friends, blasting The Doors, eating cake for dinner, and talking about what was awaiting us outside of cville. In many ways, a year after being caught with a problem I am doing a different version of that same thing. And for 18 years other than the becoming a raging alcoholic I did accomplish a lot! And now I am at a new beginning again with the hope and goal that as I venture forth on my paths that I do not do so with the arrogance of youth but with the stumbling awkwardness of an ego straining to learn humility while retaining acceptable pride in my skills.
So now, 9:43am. Jazzercise, 👌. Meeting, 👌. Watering flowers, 👌. Blog written, 👌. Good new music, 👌. And a studio that is ready for action!!! Thanks hanging w me for a bit! Next stop is the Double R! Coffee and pie are on me! 👍☕️ 🍽