Que sera sera! / by Christina Osheim

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Yesterday I beat a dead horse. I guess I had to in a way. Black Beauty, you must be felled! No, more me reminding myself I shouldn't get lazy. I was feeling too comfortable with things and need to raise or lower the bar and test my flexibility. Or increase my flexibility. Tippity toes here I come!!! These itsy bitsy potters hands will reach!!!  

The thing that will be the hardest for me is to not make a joke or lighten all of this. Ive already done that here making fun of my lack of flexibility. Getting a tee hee about it all. (Even if it is just me laughing at myself). Its strange and feels so different to call muself out on this.  

Today I spent a few hours at a coffee shop finishing up a stage of my step work.I had to put pen to paper and relate, relay, write down things. To get them out of my head and on to paper. I have heard its the 6" beteeen my ears that gives me trouble. I get that. Very much so. I texted "What is interesting is how i am seeing so many patterns. And have a bit of a d'oh homer simpson response. My head has done a lot of this work already. Now it is getting it on paper and getting through the steps." And that is true. But there is more than that. I have been working to feel and allow myself to feel and going further down, exploring deeper, is what I need to do.  

What I am so afraid of is that I am trying to be honest about heading into these waters with those around me, but that my reflex of humor or playing it down will make this journey seem false or half assed. Especially because I am not sure exactly what I am feeling or thinking. Because I am afraid that I am still holding onto some blinders and that if I take them off I wont see me, but some ugly little narrow minded selfish mean creature. I will be the norwegian trolless under the bridge. And THERE! I did it and it was reflexive. I am afraid that if I feel and show and be transparent what there is to see wont be worth seeing.  

 

Fuck. 

And take a few breaths. I am feeling and my heart is racing. 

So what do I know. No platitudes or bad humor:

I will breathe and accept and stay on this path. I will work my damndest to change the things I find out about myself that are disgusting. I will embrace the things about me I like. I will laugh and keep my humor, just learn to be able to tell when I use humor and optimism to deflect and lessen. I will make art and try to always be open in sharing what I know and acknowledging what I dont and work to continue to improve. I will keep trying to give back to the community and finish these steps. And finally, I will stay me, but hopefully be a more adjusted me.

1 last thing, I will jazzercise!!!! Judi, take us out for today (yes i know this is deflection)