tinate- tineo tenere tenui tenitus



to have or hold

to hold forth til tomorrow. 

i am a master, a maestra, a magician at this. Arts schmarts! Clay? Pfffft. Drawing? Hah! where ny true gift lies is putting things off as long as humably possible. I gave gotten better at not putting off tasks... i think... maybe... kinda... sorta...but... havent I professed to be an adept liar, manipulator of facts, oracle of omission, fabricator of fables and maker of maladies?!? I have shouted to the world "hold me accountable!!!!- here are some secrets or aces ive tended to hide up my sleeve or in my bra!" I use them like dollar bills at a strip show to glide my way through life as easily as possible. So I am calling bull shit on myself saying I am improving at not procrastinating. This post is indicative of the fact that I can and do try to use cleverness to cloud. 

I have work I need to do and dont want to. But I need to. The life I am working on and building requires it. I say how much I am loving this life i am leading and yet balk at some of what I need to do. It wont be fun. I cant pull out that sugar coated lens to obfuscate the facts that I need to be honest about. And face. And accept. The kicker is now thay I have accepted so many things once I get there it is easy. But going through the 5 stages to get to acceptence sucks. A lot. Having done it more in the past year than ever before should make it easier, but it doesnt. And I am afraid. I said the other day that I hate using numerical systems to quantify levels of discomfort. And I do. And perhaps it is because I dont want to think thag Ive hit the extremes. But I have. And blind, knowing ignorance doesnt help. So, I think going forth and finising to get to the next part will take me to about an 8 or 9 in pain. That is what my hopeful self expects. Maybe itll get up to a 10. But I must see the worst in me and recognize that my sunny disposition and exterior optimism are tools I also use to deflect away from me and things I dont want to talk about. I do have those characteristics, they are not "faked," but are personal traits I have instincvicely or knowingly used to manipulate and deflect. Damn. 

Well, i just called myself out. Kind of reamed myself just a little bit. Have given a few more of my secrets out to the digital world. And... its bot at an 8 or 9! Its maybe an unconfortable 6. So my crafty (har har) soul, go forth and journal. Pull up your sober britches and KNOW that even if it does get to a 10 of suckiness that it will only last a short while and the dread of procrastination can be forever. 

Christina Osheim