AAAAAAAH! Too much! What to write? What not to write? Brain overload is happening..... NOW!!!!
Perhaps this is some of the afterglow from the first Twin Peaks 3 episode I saw last night. I was allowed to peek into the mind of David Lynch and was turned and twisted and shaken and left really happy and totally confused. Perfecto! Right now as life is getting busier I am having to start to plan much more proactively. And that is ultimately a good thing, but it means that I have to work not to over stretch myself. And doing days like saturday is pushing it almost a little too far. I can do it by myself but am sleep deprived, sleep hungry, for the next few days .
I am thinking a lot about self centeredness, the me me me in all of this. And am worried that I am going to far into the self centered narcissism as so much of what I am doing is me related. And that is silly as it is my life and so of course I am the one doing these things. But I worry that I am getting so focused on worrying about solely me that I start to become a egocentric jerk. Perhaps that is the humor in all of this. What I am trying to do in building my life as a sober business owner and active and GIVING member of the community I do have to focus on acknowledging and accepting my flaws and doing what I can to fix or ease them. I think I may be beginning to sound like I am speaking the AA mantra. And if I am and it is working, good! It is that whole thing of: "Now I'm beginning to sound like my mom... But, you know, my mom is actually pretty cool. So if I'm going to be like someone I'm ok if it is her." Ha! Life is a funny thing.
I have also been thinking, goodness does this brain ever shut off/or slow down? apparently not!, about memento mori. But in this case memento as a remembrance for thanking of life. I have given up so many bad habits and AM getting myself back together that I think it is important to start new habits and new things that remind me how much I do love living. Even when I don't love it. I want to give back to the world however I may. And I wonder how much of this is also my ego wanting to think that something I have done in or with my life has really made the world better. If, when I die, my spirit and pottery will still exude me into the workings of the world. It has to be ego. It is ego. But it is mine and I do feel that way. And I wonder if the people who know me well would look at me and call me out a little bit for having my head too high in the cloudsm, or somewhere else..., and that I am just thinking too much. Which I was already told once today by a friend. *sigh* Oh the problem of being a neurotic artist in recovery! So simplify: I hope that I am not too self centered and becoming less. I am glad I have friends who call me on my bull shit, even though sometimes I'm not glad. And I hope that I can do some good work that helps someone somewhere with something. And have an epitaph of "was firing til the cone dropped." or some crap like that.
So I am setting up rituals. A lot of them have been unplanned, but are have just developed. i have a few that I am hoping to implement soon and that like this blog I really didn't think I'd stick with I hope I do stick with. Perhaps that is why I have been obsessing and panicking a lot of late. I have not stuck with many things. I have a long history of growing bored and disinterested and dropping stuff. I had forgotten that. I was once a fickle fluttery flittery little bug swapping goals, mediums, identities and even friendships and never sticking with specifics for long. And that is still a part of me. I didn't want to do my senior show at Olaf in clay. I still wanted to be a painter. I only did clay because Ron had been so wonderful to me during my accident/recovery and I had gotten into a fight/feud with the painting prof. When I got my gmail account I still use I made keramikk the password and thought "is this stupid? am I setting my hopes too high or will I just have to switch it to macrame a year or two down the line." Wow. that actually is blowing my mind a bit as I right. And wow. That also explains so so so much. Shit, man. Must have been pure stubborn determination that kept me with clay.
So now, take a deep breath of 10 and finish this post and go check on my clay and get ready for a continuation of one of the weekly rituals I treasure: gin rummy with Kevin! May the odds ever be in your (aka my) favor! Panda will ref per usual and I have plenty of bamboo pencils to feed him. So it is time to take this obsessive brain off the keys. Blog buddies, I do hope that my rambles haven't confused you. Circles are my spirit shapes and apparently I think, write, draw, throw, live in them so circuitous though it may be I try to have some sort of sense at the end. But I hope that YOU have the most spectacular day in the shape of your choice filled with something unexpected that brings a grin of pure joy to your face.
Ha det bra! og takk!