Yesterday my wheel seemed alien to me. Or rather I was stymied by it in a way of awe and wonder and I can do this?!? Today it has been my buddy, Equally bemusing in a way, but we've been pals. I'm taking a quick break before I go back to porcelain paradise. I am excited with what is happening. New ideas and challenges are coming up and being thrown with elan, but more so right now my wheel is helping me in a meditative manner.
A lot of things are happening and changing. With my work, with me, with friends. Things that usually make me get so so so scared, scared enough to drug myself into numbness and/or run away. And I am not. I am standing, or sitting, at my wheel, throwing to see how these new possibilities unfold, I have written before that I am a creature of habit and that I like parameters as I can work within them. I always use this same bathroom stall, I always sit in this seat. I develop a habit and I stick to it. With my addiction so much of that habit, or disease was pushed to the nth by fear of failure, success, being thought ridiculous, being thought stupid, unknown and a high level of anxiety I also hid and self medicated. I am not doing that now. Perhaps that was why the wheel seemed alien. Fabege told me to fuck off as I pushed myself to hard with it and I am now saying NO. I will flip it around and make Faberge mine. They are my cups done my way. I am taking ownership over them. I am taking ownership over me.
Man, in so many ways this seems such an infantile thing to be writing about in such a proud manner. Like I have just discovered the wheel (hee hee) But I am proud as I am re-pavloving myself. And ALL of what I am hoping and working for could fall flat on it's face but I will still be here and be me and cry and grieve and mourn but not lose myself. Having come so close to having done just that I am hugging myself so tightly and reminding myself that living is beautiful. And there is always pain and sadness in true beauty.
So time to get my little fanny back to my studio and dye some porcelain, make some colored slip, throw BIG!!! I'm thinking Tibetan chanting monks is called for with me up to my elbows in porcelain grinning like the mad lunatic I am.