Damn squared. / by Christina Osheim

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The marriage of figaro. That is my final  jeopardy answer... and yes!!!! Score one. Perhaps I should omit the squared from the blog title. 

Apparently I just "saved" my post last night and didnt "save and publish."  oops!

Today my head is full. No, not a cold. Full as in thinking some thoughts that go into a nice deep charcoal gray color palate. I have no clue if many read this blog or not, except my sister in law- THANKS!!! Welcome to the colorful, confusing, creative, collaborative, craptastic, confidence cracking, cricket-chirping clay filled workd of Christina the Crazy. She is joined on this adventure by her spirit guides Slow Poke and Coffee Mug Loki the Ludicrous.

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Anyway, I am also an addict. Though I clearly  (ha!) love alliteration I cannot make a joke out of it with adjectives (ha squared). I often do crack bad jokes, the punnier the funnier, when I feel uncomfortable. Its a way of deflecting. I have often thought since starting this online blog how "truthful" I wanted to be in regard to this aspect of my life. I dont feel I need to walk around with a scarlet A on my forehead, though red is my favorite color, but I also feel that omission can be a form of lying. So its out. Starting Möbius Ketamikk, although I did get the balls in motion while still a drunk, has been a sober womans act. I often worry that I'm placing too much hope or dependence on its success. But, i love to make things and usually make interesting ones. Who knows.?!?!?

My first shownis coming up a week from Saturday. I need to do this to get my work out and earn some penger (money in Norwegian). I am scared beyond belief. The past 36 hours has shaken or rocked me.  

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i hadnt realized my maiden voyage as Möbius would be on April freaking Fools day. Ha, joke on me. I panicked. Even now writing this with my thumbs I can feel my blood pressure elevate and the urge to curl into childs pose. I also thought anxiety meds. Maybe i should take more. My dr did mention prescribing x for someone. Maybe I should be taking X. I wanted a stop button. I wanted to pause. To not have to do it. I didnt want a drink but immediatelythought  quadrupling my meds was a brilliant idea. Indeed I am an addict. So I continientonre-Pavlov myself.  Teaching myself new patterns. 

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i now understand the phrase "fake it til you make it" in a deeper manner. I have not wanted a drink, but I have wanted the numbness that alcohol would provide. Which is far too close for comfort. I have to do these shows and so I will fake it til I make it. I habe amazing systems I am calling into action for this first time. Thank you to all who are helping me. I couldnt do it without you. 

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The uncomfortable part of me now makes a joke. Maiden voyage... perhaps its like losing your virginity: so much fear and anticipation physical awkwardness and then... thats it? Who knows? But I will find out. And am already signing up for more shows. 

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the thing that is really makiny me kick myself is that a person I consider a close friends just had twins. And I didnt even know or remember that she was pregnant. I am mortified. Thus the charcoaly mind tonight. I learned through Facebook for goodness sake. And had to verify it theough Fbook. What the Fbook!!! 

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Of course I txted a congratulations and that I couldnt be happier for her and know exactly what Ill send as a baby gift(s!!!). But I am beyond disgusted with myself. I have lost friendships as a result if being an addict and of opening up that I was battling it and struggling to quit. My existing friends the friendships have changed, or evolved. Some have gotten deeper and stronger, some a bit strained, and some I havent talked to or told. But for the most part everyone has been amazingly supportive and here for me. It is I who became a horrible friend going through this. I wasnt there. 

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I am sad. And I will he sad sad for a while. As I should. But only tor a while. Then, aka now, it is my responsibility now to become the me that does not do this again. To take that beautiful, smoky charcoal and make something. Its my business and life philosophy. Light. Dark. Sometimes insanity. I recognize and am changing and I will make. I take my baby steps and fake it til I make it.

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I spent much of today sanding tabletops for my fair ensembe. They will be sexy. And it was meditative. Im leaving with a video I took and a hodgepodge of photos my camera decided were essential.

 

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