This next weekend will mark the big end to this year 1 of Möbius Keramikk. I wonder if I have become jaded or cynical? I guess tonight or today I am doing a double feature as for whatever reason I have no trouble drawing in a sketchbook all the time but writing in a diary is not good. Perhaps it is because I know this may be read by someone, usually my sister in law (hey!!! I cannot tell you how excited I will to see you, my bro, and your pup next weekend!!) when I write in a diary it is too easy for me to let my self pity have free reign. A big no no!
Right now my soul feels heavy. A part of me wants to cry. Nothing has happened today. I slept for 11 hours last night- bliss!- and don’t have anything other than teaching and working @ church to do before I leave for Providence.
I guess that is it. Where the wondering if I am becoming jaded, or leathery, too thick skinned. I am afraid to hope for this weekend being good. I write often about acceptance and wonder if what I ultimately need to accept is I am just not good enough to play in the league I want to. (This is SUCH a dangerous path to even shine a light on, but is incredibly naive not to.) life, you fickle mistress! (Why life is obviously female, I know not. but for me it is. Perhaps because. Well. I’ve got boobs and Fallopian tubes?!!)
For so many of my other shows I have imagined and let myself imagine that it is a blow out. That I am busy. That people cannot get enough of my work. That I don’t feel like I am charging an outrageous price, when I really think I sell at quite a reasonable price.
will it be that the shit these fuckers in office are doing makes it so my dream of living a life doing what I love and making things isn’t possible? Have I just waited to long? Did I burn too many bridges? That my talent is just not enough? Am I just not enough?
So I feel blue tonight. And worried about how I can make next year work. I soon need to start processing and applying all I have learned. And am scared. I am really scared. Not of drinking. I am scared of not being brave enough to dream and hope and build castles in the sky. (My head) and scared that I will keep building castles that are Cinderella ones- not linked to anything that could possibly touch real. How to be open and honest and loving and me and trust and not end up a singed piece of leather.
earlier today I had lunch with my parents and we were talking about situations people end up in. My mom said something to the degree of “x should have known better.” And I said, no. There are times that to do something or ask the question is to break. That you just cannot deal with it. It took me about 1/2 a year if having my addiction known to mention that my legs tingled and felt numb. And to be honest it had started about a year before that even. And when I was getting over my head injury it took me a few months to mention I couldn’t smell. I was so afraid of being broken beyond repair that it would be better to go on with a broken wing. And in a way I am and do as those nerves cannot be repaired. I also know that when I break I use substances and abuse myself.
Im just afraid that this body that needs rest and peace will give up (art/business/dreams not sobriety) I get told by people that I have such good energy and bring a great spirit to things. But today, right now, I’m having trouble finding it for myself.
someone was saying at the meeting earlier today - it is ok to feel sad. And it is. And that is partly why I am writing it all. So I feel a little ridiculous and a lot these are first world problems. I am blessed that these are my concerns. It is ok to feel these feelings as long as I don’t wallow in them and let them take me into a downward spiral- thank you NIN - so I won’t.
I may not sell anything this weekend. Or I may sell enough to cover gas. But I will get to see my family. Sobriety has brought my family closer together. It is my love of art and making that keeps me on the path and it is my family and their love for me and vice verse that keeps me joyous happy and free as I lope along it. Like my niece pup hobbit I can get distracted by sights and sounds and pseudo smells and wander in loops, pee if need be, and bark with joy at what surrounds me. It will be so good to sit and talk and just be with them.
Xoxo you all! (I heard someone last night sat y’all when leaving the party and called themselves out on it- their first oral y’all. I’m just waiting for the day I’m too lazy and use it)
This was a good second blog for me to write. Kind of like the hobbit- second breakfast second blogging. I feel lighter. And ready to Jazzercise my blues into doing weights to the blues a la BB King.