I’m listening to Zen and the Art of Happiness. I am really liking it. Part of its premise is what is happening to you right now is exactly what should be happening. I don’t take that as a buy into predestination as I do not believe in that- I think it can be used too often to justify negatives. But I like the idea of what is happening in your life is exactly what should as it makes you an active and engaged participant. You have the ability to control how you respond to something. You can make it bad or good. 

For me this power of positive thinking is so important. Self pity is a something I can easily latch onto as a security blanket. Right now I have been having a complex dance, fence, epee encounter, stare down with self pity. And I realize that it is me having to “let go and let god” to use an AA maxim. Which is also annoying! I’m a big book, which I often call a blue book instead (bc it’s blue), spouting idioms of recovery. The impish part of me also likes blue book because it makes me think of blue balls and so often I think the goal of living a calm sober life has the same frustration. But I do not have a penis so can only surmise. Maybe I’ll get a strap on and color it’s balls blue and name it the big book. ha! 

I have started skipping pencil when drawing. It’s getting too easy to make successful drawings that are simple. I’m seeing if I can get to that same level of consistency when I don’t have an eraser. So much of it is just an experiment a can I?

A questioning mind. Curiosity. That is something I have also gotten out of Zen and the Art of Hapliness. If you are told or think something is impossible you make it impossible. I haven’t thought about it. I’ve just been curious. Can this happen? Can I do this? What? Why? How? When? I am just asking the reporters questions.  

And now it feels like those questions and me having a show down to see who says uncle first and folds. Intellectually its extremely interesting. Living it is a bit infuriating at times. 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱  

You gotta feel your feelings. And I am feeling mine and am ok with that. There are things I wish would happen. And could happen. And whatever does happen will be exactly how it should for me. 

I have started getting back into pre fall craziness patterns and I am beginning to feel less frantic. So I need to keep on doing what I am doing. And sleep and exercise and help and volunteer and meeting and be me. And be honest. And kind. And not get stepped on. 

I also need to not worry about the campaign. I will send out these postcards and take a break. If I get nothing more in terms of finances I will be ok. I will be fine. And more so I will make a set of cups to sell in my line for my cousin. I need to work out the details but have pretty good ideas of how it should look. 

It is 9:31. Clearly I am pushing the midnight oil. Time to get these baby blues some rest. (I still am just a little envious of my bro who got the beautiful light steel blue eyes. They suit him. Mine are “dark and mysterious” aka dark and blue, but sometimes maybe green. In a few those they shall be the eyes of the sleep gods!

Christina Osheim