Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I am one confused caterpillar. Or rheumatic rabbit. Befuddled bumpkin? Alliterative ass? (The latter won the game😜)
I am so mixed up right now. But nothing bad. All is pretty darn good right now. I’m just confused. And doing my version of hiccuping or stammering.
Talking with my therapist about learning to love myself she used the analogy of me running full speed ahead, thinking something and then just stopping full stop. Maybe even backtracking because I’d overthink. the cool thing is somewhere along this journey I have begun to love myself. And do, for the most part even when I am ready to smack myself.
I try not to bring AA into this blog too much. Me being an alcoholic is alluded to often. But meeting or AA specifics I have tried to limit. But of late I have been bringing AA into my blog more often. Which is probably a direct sign that there are some hiccups in my loping journey of sobriety that I do need to address. Once I figure them out. *hic hic* (sober *hic* for hiccup not drunk *hic* for being sloshed).
today we talked about humility. One of the reasons I think I am pulling my hair out so much is that right now what is happening in my life is akin to an open sign at a liquor store for my defects of character. Self pity, pride, controlling, impatient, jealous. Those are my 5 in order although maybe impatient should be further up 🤷♀️
Because I am walking into the unknown right now, putting faith in things outside of my control regarding my talents and educational background I am primed for both immense amounts of arrogance and self pity that my brilliance is not being acknowledged RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
i have to laugh as it all seems so ludicrous and absurd at times. And I become like a magpie going nuts over every new shiny thing in front of me.
I just finished a postcard I am going to print up and hand out asking for $$$ to get me to NY NOW. And I thought let me make the postcard like a small piece of art that can be saved or thrown away. So I spend good chunks of yesterday and today and am proud of it. I showed it to my mom who looked unimpressed and said “why isn’t that clay on there? I don’t get it. I think it should be clay.”
Talk about humbleness. And then having to deal with self doubt. Ergo this whole thing becomes feasting ground for my defects in either extreme and I have to be like the Canadian mounted police, ready to gallop where needed!
And then I realize how much I have missed in others lives because of how wrapped up I am in my own. Circle, you are a beeeeeyutiful shape, but an infuriating one at times.
What I have to remind myself is that all of this is good. Being challenged makes me really state why I am making the decisions I am. Exactly like this blog. There is usually a method to it. Why not clay? Why a drawing? Lots of reasons. Many people in town see me draw. It puts an end /finish to something some see almost every day. It’s also an art giveaway. A way to give you a piece without you having to spend a dime. It shows what I am capable of doing. And a path my work is starting to go down. And that it is anhallenge and looks cool. More reasons but am tired.
anywayzzZzzzzz sleeep. Tired. Gnite!