At the moment I feel I am in that midst of a paradoxical prism of absurdities with small hiccups of panic, terror, ennui, a general miasma of discontent.
meaning I am in a moment when things are starting to feel a little quieter I feel like I am flailing like a lunatic. I am that top spinning spinning and spinning in circles spraying off bits of slip, like spittle, across the world.
this is much exaggeration. I have come to really enjoy writing my day to day blog and seeing how madcap I can make it. It’s a different way to push the perimeters of my understanding. Plus I love puns. And wordplay. And bad jokes. And etymology. Essentially I’m a language slut with horrific grammar!
I am beginning to sort of have time to breathe. Which is needed. Much needed. And I realize how much I have in the works. How much I still know nothing about. Other than I will be there and do that. I am allowing myself to take risks and put my trust in the work I have done and the information I have received. And have accepted nothing may come of it. Nothing. Nada. Ikke så bra.
Right now so much is unknown financially and having to ask for financial help. I get the twitchiness elevated from my parents not wanting me to ask their friends. And really not liking that I’m asking family. It feels like they are ashamed that I need help. As either I am not good enough to have the sales to fly it solo or that they don’t have the finances to help me out right.
i am working so hard to have a “do the next right thing. Trust that it will work and bring my joy to the world.” To not obsess about $$$ but obsess about the message. And my parents doubting or being unsure or questioning me sucks. They don’t realize the degree which they are, but it’s there. and it passes onto me and makes me feel bad.
It is such a battle. A never ending battle. And I am just hoping closer down. I like to find hope and positive and push that. At times to my detriment as my blinders will go up. I ran into the cute goth at a coffee shop and he was nice. And of course I think maybe it’s becoming clear that I am uniquely awesome! Osheim! Åsheim. It’s a possibility. But most likely it is just one alcoholic being friendly to another.
That is the thing. With everything I am going for I have to be able to build a castle and believe in it. It IS possible. My work and ideas ARE that strong. I AM a desireable partner in crime. I need to believe all of those. And with life being like a sine curve there is always an equal and opposite reaction. (This meaning my head feels like a roller coaster often)
It worries me. It all worries me. And as I’ve started to look around looking around and around. Gnite!!!! Till tomorrow!
oh I also got hosted to lead this. ?https://artistama.com/ama-im-asking-you-artistic-authentiucity-sustainable-w-growth-472791?? If anyone sk change tbejr m7!;z