I haven’t done a decent blog in the last few days. Everything is fine. Good even. I’m just tired. I want one of my friends twins to just sit on my chest and make faces at me. Bring 3 year old zany joy to my life. 

Its so funny how worlds start to collide. Mine are here in cville. In good ways. In likes do attract likes. It’s really something! 

Now return of the Jedi is on tv. That is making me so happy!!! I think technology and special effects and all is freat, but that the real, duct tape version often will feel more authentic. 

Authenticity. Today’s meeting was about acceptance. And I wonder acceptance and apathy. It’s such a thin line. I started reading zen and the art of happiness. It talks about self fulfilling prophesies. I wonder, does my expectation of earning my booth fee and maybe a bit extra at the farmers market come through. Am I the reason my sales have been bad. Is it apathy and laziness on my part that have caused for rocky or sub par sales??? Or is that just being honest and accepting the retail markets are never goig to be a money maker? But maybe then if I fully accept that there is no hope then my je ne sais qua attitude will attract customers and make my sales increase. Or if I make signage super clear and spell it out “I am selling his for $40 and it’s worth $75” what would you pay for this? Ok, I can take 45 for a $95 dollar pitcher that really should be $140... because I need the money. But then maybe if wholesale works out I can just use my clients as a tool to make these people here realize that I am a gold mine of good deals... and maybe... but maybe.. well if.. maybe I should not even bother with the market... FUUUUUUUUUCK

That is a little bit of the loop that is circling in my head. If I say that markets are going really well as I’m getting noticed and then asked the dreaded question ”sales were good?” What do I do??? Or say???? And be honest????

alcoholism has taught me many things and the need to be honest is huge. I can accept many things (except some— clearly!) and this is it.  I feel like I am out in this strange position of having to qualify my work . It’s a valuable, desireable, commodity that just doesn’t have sales because it hasn’t been marketed as it should. That’s really what I am saying by going to this show. 

Its all so strange. Part of it is pinch myself glorious. A wonder that this is my life. An outpouring of joy and love and hope! A part that feels a bit ashamed that I must ask for help. That asking for help makes me less. Or is admitting that I am flawed (because really I should b god and perfect) and that I am asking for help based on data/results I don’t necessarily have. Not in the black and white way. I’ve got a very gorgeous charcoal gray with some light and dark smears.

i am just confused. Really confused. Nothing bad. More confused in a i just have to live through this. I am entering into a new phase and do not have experience to draw from. So I ask for help. Financial, emotional, physical, psychological, whatever type I need. And go in eyes wide open even if the lenses are those of inexperience and naïveté.

i also am having trouble with acceptance in terms of my feelings. A close friend, who should be in the rooms and isn’t and won’t has dropped me. I still care. And I don’t think that will stop. There have been other close people before who are addicts who can’t accept that sobriety is the only solution.  And it is heart breaking. But as I’ve said before my heart is an ever expanding suitcase. 

Another good friend has drifted away. I wonder if our lives are just naturally moving further apart. And that it is better to let that happen organically than try to force it. 

I also still have feelings for the angsty cute goth. *sigh* and that they will just stop when they stop. I hate that I now feel so incredibly awkward. That I don’t want to make eye contact that I hermit up. But I will work on that. 

and finally I am starting to feel close to other people in the program on every level. And so with my poor little heart being dribbled around like a basketball I just don’t trust it right now. Or rather, I trust it with reservation. But then I could question too much because I’m scared of change or rejection or or or... 

blah. So this is why I haven’t blogged to much. My head is a mess. Nothing bad. Just disorganized.  I need a mental Mary Poppins to give me a spoonful of sugar and clean this shit up. (Sugar sounds like coke and it is merely a reference to the song) let’s do some math. Since April 1st I have done a show every weekend. I think I maybe have had 3 off... ?!? So. I have worked for 36 out of 39 weekends.  By myself. Driving 10 minutes to 10

hours. No wonder I’m a disorganized mess. I am tired. And need to rest. And trust that I have done all I can on my part. 


 not reading this as I’ll probably get confused and pissed and want to erase it all. Soooooool. 


bombs away!  

Christina Osheim