I have wanted to pause and blog multiple times today. There would be a moment, and I would pause, and think yes! This is it. So that is pretty cool that I had a “this is it/love my life” moment so many times throughout the day.
what is interesting is that coming from yesterday’s topic I realize how in my self centered/congratulatory way that I have forgotten some aspects. Or not had faith in the HP (god) that all of the steps I am taking are worth it and I am a person of value.
and that is what I realized. I have been running from myself. A few months ago learning to love myself was the big thing. I have no problem giving my heart away. It is an ever expanding suitcase and I love (har har) that. But in learning to love myself and accepting I can and do love others I haven’t let myself consider/let myself/be open to being loved. It confuses me that people do. And that shows I am not doing the work I need to. That I am holding on tightly to past hurts and injuries. I know what it is like to not be loved. Or good enough. But I have not opened myself up to imagine what/how/why people do love me. (This is on all levels- friends lovers and family)
that right there is humbling. What would it be like/what is it like to be loved for the paradox that I am? I don’t have an answer at this moment because I’ve just started thinking about it.
I was hanging with a good friend tonight before a meeting talking about this. It was cathartic to hear myself say all of this and to realize how serious and silly it is (cmo? Pffft. CPO are my initials! Hahahaha as paradox is clearly my middle name.) she started talking about visualization- what do you want to happen. And I realize I with the ever bursting imagination am drawing a blank. I flatline for myself. Goodness! Sobering indeed!
So, as I get stuck on very shallow visuals. I inherited my moms body issues - this is an inheritance I do not want and try to pass back as often as possible, though somehow it always is squeezed (har har squared) back in. I view myself as a chubby awkward nervous kid with a muffin too and boogers hanging from my nose and a clay smear in my hair. And double chin. That is how I picture myself. How horrific! I picture myself as an object I would pity. What the fuck me!
and so I have given myself a personal avatar- how I think about myself. And it is David the gnome! It is perfect. And how it’s 10:10 and I am starting to drop. Gnite! I’ll write more tomorrow. And talk to cute goth guy when I see him next and own up to lying by omission. Because I will be a cute bearded gnome with an awesome hat and a wolf for a steed! The gnome in me has got it!
Ha det bra alle aammen