It is a truth universally acknowledged that an alcoholic always views themself in the worst possible light.
How true that is for this lady. I feel like I am making headway, taking huge strides, bounding along like a happy little bunny when I am pulled back into how much of a scared chicken I really am. (Side note, my phone screen protector has a smear of clay right on top of where emojis pop up with autocorrect. It is kind of hilarious looking like there is a ghostly Statue of Liberty atop them the emoji- a chicken duck rabbit phone balloon all begin to look a bit ridiculous. Look was perhaps the best- a spitball SPLAT right in between the eyes. Burn.)
But seriously, it is true that I have begun to love myself but am still confused about others loving me who aren’t my family or knew me before the train wrecks of head injury and full blown alcoholism took root. It is humbling to realize that something I had thought was dealt with hasn’t been. Recognizing it is the first step and I beliebe acknowledging this fear based belief will be the beginning of eradicating it.
i also realize how being scared makes me lazy. I pull on my awkward cloak and stutter. It’s a bit galling.
wtf. I am starting to go into a dear diary zone. I have a crush. I now fear said crush has a crush on someone not me. I am unable to do much as I feel like a stuttering dolt who has already been wearing their feelings, but has most likely been a hot cold mess as November has been a hard month for me.
so that’s the dear diary moment that just made me vomit a bit in my mouth. Why you ask? Bad shellfish? No, me feeling weak and vulnerable and sharing it publicly to the cyber world who is most likely just my sister in law (hola sis-in-law! Can’t wait to be hanging with you, my bro and hobbit in TWO weeks! 🙌) and not my aforementioned crush who realizes we’re BOTH awkward and have been crushing on each other and are both too nerdily shy to say anything. If that is the case ask me out for coffee! (And HOLY SHIT!!! Three animated mice started dancing around me singing “Cinderelly cinderelly night and day it’s Cinderelly”) and I am left wondering why at a bare whisper of anything even possibly negative I head straight the depths of despair. (I love Anne of Green Gables.)
I guess right now I just need to get through December. I have learned so much this year. Nothing in the next month will be either as brilliant or as horrible as I can imagine it to be. I think loving myself is accepting that I can’t do everything, be everything, have exactly what I want, and be Audrey Hepburn. That when I try to do that I start beginning to be unable to do anything even remotely well. So I am going back to the he basics of what must be done. Tomorrow health insurance 1st payment/registration, finishing app, jazzercize and throw. Maybe make cookies. 4 things. I can do 4 things. And maybe, ideally, a meeting if that works, which would make it 5. Odd numbers are better.