it’s been a really good day. I have felt great. Right now I am tired, I guess, and slightly dreading tomorrow. I don’t know why I dread it because I have done the Saturday market rigamarole many a time before and in definitely worse conditions. 

im also reflective right now. And this shit/work/training is working as I can/am calling myself out for being a bit mopey and self pitying right now. Ruler. Hand. *whap!” 

so instead of writing some claptrap that makes me feel good-sound good but totally justifying my lazy parts im doing a list!

1. Recognize when I am more than a hinderence than a help and try to not be the third cook in the kitchen. 

2. It is never going to be as bad as you think. Trust your guts, instincts, and training. 

3. Laugh. A lot. Whenever possible. At anything really, unless to laugh is to be cruel. 

4. Eat humble pie. And swallow. And accept

5. Recognize where you were lazy and redouble your efforts.  

Now these statements sound all goody goody cheerleader who would smile her perky, dimples smile raise a Pom Pom and say in a saccharine voice “yay God!” And do some sort of jump.  

Paradox, thy name is life! (Truth?) (‘e being silly?) I know paradox comes from Greek with its etymology. Or believe it does. But I kind of wish it were Latin “paradoxi” somehow that has a seesaw connotation for me and shows the annoying rock and a hard place quality. 

so truth. Meat off the turkey bones (I ate soooo much. Yum)  

i finished a commission that I felt more rushed than I would like. And it looks good. I am proud of it. And it’s now gone. So I guess a bit of art post partum.

I saw an old friend I haven’t seen since I got sober. It was a good thing to do. The right thing to do. But it was a large slice of humble pie and accepting that I may have done or said things I do not recall that... that... 🤷‍♀️ I don’t feel good or glad that I went but I did the right thing. M

I am awkward and shy. I fake it well. But really am shy. I shy away from groups and people at meetings because I don’t know what to say. Or how to enter into a conversation. It is infuriating. And I leave and then feel bad that I am. But am to embarrassed to go back and make conversation because I don’t know what to say and don’t smoke.  

I still always go for glass half whatever is the worst case scenario for me. With everything. I always assume I am the problem. Still. And need to keep repavloving myself start in the middle. Figure we start in Switzerland and go from there.  

so paradox. It’s been a really good day. But I am currently tired and sad and really wanting to cry self pity tears. And I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. Oh life. This is the toddler in me- sleepy tired hungry have to poop. I am clearly the former and in about 7 hours should be s chirpy perky morning but saying “yay god” while blowing kisses to the world. Oh life. I do enjoy you even if I am often baffled. 

Christina Osheim