I’m in Philly now. And beginning to get excited for the adventure. Or let me rephrase. I’m making myself pace this really slow and focus on the awesome things. 

Soon I will be hanging out with my first Philly friend and his wife and daughters! One of whom I haven’t met. It will be such a joy!  

I had a lot of thoughts coming up here and how to train myself. A friend and I were talking about how perhaps certain aspects of alcoholism have been easier to accept as we did hit rock bottom. Unable to hold down a job and unable to have steady hands without what was essentially an IV of hooch.  And so I could accept that I had nothing to lose and so why not try for what I want. 

And then working and getting what you want (or working to see if it can become a reliable source of income) has a whole new load of things to learn and accept and possibly fail at. 

right now I am almost 13 months sober. And with some of these shows and my being so scared of them in terms of financials I realize that I am becoming unwilling to have the self confidence to accept that it may not work. (If all of this is sounding either confused or obvious bear with me as this is lightbulb stuff for me.) 

it may not work. But I am sitting In my car  in Philly getting to see one of my best friends. 

and tomorrow I get to stay with a lady I’ve known all my life and meet her husband and perhaps eat some food she cooks (AMAZING COOK). And then I’m back here staying with another good friend. And then one of my best friends from high school whose husband I went to preschool with. And I am mad that I have to go to Brooklyn? 

But getting back to my point in my circular manner right now it is feeling harder to be brave and have self confidence as I go forward because I feel I have something to lose. Aaaaah, the paradox 

So, right now what I think it means is these tingle toes keep dancing and having all sorts of experience. And learn which steps not to repeat.  

(my friends kids really have stolen my heart ❤️)  


Christina Osheim