oh man. I am so tired. I’m going to Philly and then Brooklyn on Friday. I feel like a 1/2way prepared nomad.
I also am taking out/making up frustrations and things to distract myself with so that I don’t say how scared I am.
I was bitching to a friend about people holding onto defects as a security blanket wall to not face their fears. so as not to be a hypocritical bastard here is actually what I am anxious about.
1. Being back in philly for a few hot seconds. I crashed there. And my last trip there I was sober but it was also the trip that led to a relationship ending.
2. I’m worried about driving into NYC.
3. I’m worried about tolls and gas and traffic
4. I’m worried about not knowing where I will be sleeping for the next 4 nights
5. Show set up/museum access/artist egos
6 crickets chirping- no one comes
7 not selling anything or selling about 1/4 of the cost of just the booth. So taking a huge financial hit
8 going back into my self doubting funk where I feel useless as an artist
9 that sales this holiday will suck as I have not been able to do all the things I need to do to get online sales going as I spend about a week of time doing this show.
Thats about it. I can make more fears but those would be silly like “I’ll chip a nail and cry”
the worst that will happen (assuming car wreck doesn’t happen) is I get to make up stories about all the people or person who comes to the show and seee friends along the way. Möbius Keramikk is having a road trip and will listen to... what, you ask? Yup! Audible romances! Hahahaha. Actually I’m really tempted to listen to My Story. But it’s dark. And makes me wonder if it would turn into a repeat of me deciding listening to Dante’s inferno is a good idea while working in stained glass firing the kiln in a no ac warehouse in a kiln with a non working thermometer that id have to stand in front of and visually gauge the temp and turn it off...
life imitates art for more levels than you’d have thought. Never got to the end but got passed the people upside down like carrots.
going back to the beginning this is when texting can be great. I was having a convo with a friend about doing and self pity:
”The opposite of self pity is self confidence
I have been thinking about that so much
I believe self confidence isn’t a bravado/a or arrogance
As in walking into s room and thinking I’m the best (although that’s an edge the ego likes to push us towards)
I believe self confidence is having the ability to go for a goal with the understanding and acceptance that you might not get it.
I hesitate to use the word fail bc that means black and white.
And that self pity usually comes into play when tired, hungry, or just pissy for whatever reason“
and then we talked about Buddha and the middle path and no guarantees.
I need to take my own advice. And that right now I’m not feeling like a bright copper penny, but a best up one that has spent time on the train tracks. Hahahaha
ok. 10:51. Bedtime comes! And this weekend will be neither better nor worse than what I expect. It will be somewhere unexpected and awkward and in the middle, like a zit on your butt.