Last week I feel like I pussed out on writing or spending meaningful time with this blog. A part of me ends up thinking that this is a sign of the blog being whah it was intended to be- a recording of the mad journeys I have as a maker, business owner, and recovering alcoholic. AND if the posts are light and fluffy with a constant being im too tired at the end of the day to post much its a sign that my life is/has become full and rich.
Right now Ive been listening to drop the rock- its for AA and used in relation to steps 6 & 7. To paraphrase it ant not go into too much recovery talk- you look at yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugky and begin to actively work to make sure you dont pollute the good with pride, foster the bad with jealousy anger and resentments, and ask if the ugly is superficial and must be accepted (jowls are in my future *sigh*) and work to address and change what you can.
hahahha, paraphrase my ass.
what i find interesing about this is that there is a lot of action on my part, but most if not all is internal and comes out in small ways. But isnt life built up of atoms?
So that is something that I believe will always worry or baffle me a bit: being acutely aware of my small actions of change and how they impact the workd and watching my ego and pride like a hawk to make sure i dont put the horse in front of the cart.
And right now I worry if my ramblings are stilted, jerky, unclear fragments of a fluid mind that has been shaken a lot this past year. My sister in law sent out a post she had written for an email subscriber blog and it was so eloquent and beautiful. It made me pause and smile and hope that i too was stopping to smell the chicken wing residue on the sidewalk like her pup hobbit. That maybe as I have changed my life I am like that small quirky neurotic pup who squeaks and enjoying this ramble through life.
AND THEN. And then all of the shit I am working to change came up. (Sis in law I know you follow this often and when you read this PLEASE read this part through my lens as I love your email and am still thinking about it in a reallh positice illuminating way)
And then the crap that is my addiction and the thought patterns it helped my psyche build.
I got envious. I was jealous and still am a bit if I am super homest. This brilliant lady wrote this with the ease of stream of conscious rambling (like this blog) except within defined peremiters that link together so subtly tjat you wouldnt notice unless you were looking for themz
i was envious! I thought "shit man. This is good. She could easily be a successful non fiction writer as I habe enjoyed everything she has written. It is historical but not pretentiously intellectually narrow in scope but takes after the curatorial stand she amd i have talked about our mutual affection for: opening doors and lettimt the participamts walk through them and make their own commectioms." And then I went to "Lucky lady, museums, writings,
professorships... so many possibilities for a successful career. POOR ME, I WISH I HAD THAT. MY WRITING IS STREAM OF CONSCIOUS AND CHOCK FULL OF GRAMMAYICAL ERRORS (still not quite sure how to use the semi colon) AND AND... poor me..."
And thankfully that's when this work I am doing starts to kick in. This is how the re-pavlovimg myself occurs. I "See" my thought prodess in the larger picture and give myswlf a hard shake. What am I upset about/envious of? That I habe an interesting intelligent family who have options and the courage to explore them? That I hope she does write and end up publishing work as Id love to read a book of it- or listen to it as an audiobook? That it is I who have has wrong thoughts in all of this. I am not anyone but me and this pig cant be taught how to whistle. But this pig does play exceptionally well in the mud. And for those who whistle well that is awesome as I will happily listen to it as I wriggle in delight in my muddy patch. (And that the exact same thought I had in regard to her could be applied to me and my possibilities)
this has turned into an extremely long post. I dont remember if this was what I intended to explore today, but the point I am trying to make or write in a way that other addicts will nod, laugh and go "yup" and someone who isnt will go "ahhhh" i think i get a glimmer.
These daily small changes to deal with my personal defects are like this. Little mosquito bites of wrong thinking that I recognize and have to explore and get to the root of my fear and resentment. This is also why we addicts are such freakint narcissists as at the beginning you really do have to filter it all through your psyche.
But these small changes do begin to work. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks or a pig how to mud well.
I am thinking about all of this a lot of late as in 2 weeks 2 days it will be ONE YEAR!!! of sobriety. I still have mich work to do, but I will do it. I will keep working on my little piece and keep holding myself accountable.
Happy Tuesay All!