/ by Christina Osheim

Oh my goodness. Crickets were chirping yesterday. Today they are too dead to chirp.

i am resigned to this show sucking. Yesterday I did think tomorrow you may not have any sales. And that is looking to be the case. I have 2:22 minutes left to change that.

Rifht now I just want to be a kid and have a tantrum: stomping my feet, pulling my hair, screaming because IT ISNT FAIR!!!!

But it is life. And life doesn’t mean that just because you want something that it will happen. So I am wearing my hair down, listening to a book on tape and thinking of how soon is too soon to start packing up.

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I was talking to a good friend yesterday about honesty and feelings. And resentment as a state of thinking in which you turn yourself into s victim. I’m tired and frustrated and not wanting to have to deal with all of the objects that are mine. Self pity looms. And then anger at the customers for not being curious about my work. And then I remind myself that I am resigned. This is part of it. The ego crushing, I can’t joke about this, this is an expensive lesson, the sky is falling, can someone take over and just let me sleep for a bit, can I take a break from being me to make sure I have the strength and stamina to go forward.  

That is perhaps it for me. I believe that my work is really good. That I am really good. That I deserve to earn a good income and be self sufficient from my work. But having not just few to no sales but many a dismissive look or disinterested look does make me pause. And question all of my beliefs about my work and it’s potential. I will have to go through and LOOK. Look solidly at what I am producing and how I am pricing. 

The optimist in me say: well that’s good. You are always concerned about getting too braggy and full of yourself. So this is really just keeping your head from floating/spending weekend too much time in the clouds. But that attitude is so fucking naive. And wrong.

It sucks and is frustrating to the point of anger in LESSON LEARNED. NEVER AGAIN. The idea that losing $1200 and 72 hours is a positive because it makes you question the value of your work (which you already do regularly) is a joke. 

So right now I am trying to figure out what I can do to take this feeling of ennui and hopelessness and shelve it. But moving forward how do I stay optimistic? Cheerful? Happy?  

I felt like I had gotten into a rhythm of sales and being able to support my art habit to a degree. Now my third big show like this a “career making” show has been a dud and I have 3 more in the next 2 months. 

I am so afraid of this being repeated (and really fear/expect 2 of the 3 to be like this) how do I go forward and be willing to risk losing money on large shows again. How can I not become cynical??? How can I not blow off opportunities because thus far I have had 1 show that I broke even at. Damn. That is depressing right there.

the opposite of self pity is self confidence. Self pity is my biggest character defect and I am trying to figure out how to not wallow in it. 

And so: 

Ive had my say. Course of action- stay with a good friend and be at home here. Have a fun night with friends. Go home and go to my happy place and work. Start some of the things & commissions I have. And go to meetings and Jazzercise and teach. Go back to my life. I love my life. And this is not a part of that life. It is an experience that sucked. And is not something I ever have to repeat. AND... and... maybe see if cute goth guy wants to grab coffee sometime. Hahaha, I’m a nerd.  🤓