what has been the most fascinating thing about becoming sober has been really learning my patterns. Cause and effect. Things that have baffled me before now are easily explained from having done a thorough inventory and owning my character defects. (When I say owning I mean acknowledging/accepting them and working to change what I can. )
i am currently lying on the couch at 5:50am watching the great British bake off master class. I am restless but unable to go back to sleep. And I know this is because my anxiety is pretty elevated for this weekend. My desire for perfection makes me want to obsess to the nth degree about stupid silly things. (Aka I have a nice scab on my face as I decided to obsess over pimple popping and went a little over the top. Can I say over the pop??? Hahahaha, oh man. I love silly humor and puns)
what all of this means for me right now is I am taking as much time to try and train myself to not freak out as I am in preparing. I am repavloving myself again. Baltimore was so heinous and I got through it. My work was tight. It’s getting/gotten tighter. I have not taken the advice of “these are your money makers” from the executive director of this show. Or rather, I’ve taken aspects of it and interpreted it to work with me and my life. In that sense it is like working the AA program. I make it mine and take ownership over how I can live and thrive and maintain self tolerance and have a hell of a good time in the process. I am starting to get the confidence to not have to always justify a decision and that is what I am really training myself to do. I can see the validity of an argument short term but it doesn’t work with future projections. Oh wow. I’m sounding like a business owner. Wait!! I am a business owner. What the heck!???!?!?! 😱🙌😊
I’d like to have everything glazed perfectly and have perfection. That is not feasible. So breathe and focus on the one thing in front of the other. I’d like to have angels from heaven singing my praise. And will settle for just having the work I present be good work.
The funny thing is that it is my vision that people are drawn to. My sensibilities. I am making this work to be at the “I wish I could keep it” joy and excitement. THAT is my standard. The instinct in my gut that I nailed it. Not everyone will get it. Not everyone will think it’s worthwhile or intellectual. And that is fine. I know it is. Going back to my 2nd year motto “sometimes you can choose to be happy or right.” And at this moment I am choosing to be happy.
So much of this journey is about accepting the paradoxes of life. I wish that it was paradoxi as I love how that sounds, but think the etymology is Greek and not Latin. Hmmm (yup! Thanks google)
so right now I am building in some down time into my work. I am going to get there and draw and watch a movie and clean up. I know how I need to use my space so I don’t spread out as much. I also wonder if I can give a cart back. Facebook sell group may have a listing from me soon.
Ok blog buddies. This tired but energetic body must start the day, sort of.