Yup / by Christina Osheim

I got a cold. Not surprising, but annoying. I have taken the day easy and gotten things done, but quietly with naps. 

I got a commission that I need to begin to get wet work done to have samples finished by Tuesday or Wednesday. It is good. But I need to get twinkle toes healed so they can dance with the lightest of ease.

I am getting better about learning to accept me as I am and communicating more honestly. I'm sure I still have a ways to go and so am working to not grade or rank myself except to say "I am doing the best I can."

Part of that was going through my wardrobe and getting rid of things. If it doesn't fit now or if I haven't and won't wear it, adios! There are some things I will be sad to say bye to but they don't fit now and keeping them to see if they magically grow makes no sense. Plus I have girlfriends here who are smaller than I and could possibly use them. And that makes me really happy. They can be used by someone who could use them. And if I am small enough to wear them I am either recovering from a traumatic brain injury or beginning to die from alcoholism. Thank you, I'd rather have a double chin. 

My sponsor has talked to me about doing this herself and saying good bye to a version of you that wasn't authentic. I asked my mom if she would like to assist- so she was there to give input on what stayed and left. It turned out to be really good. I realize that there are things that I never shared about not being able to hold down food due to my poor liver being abused. And my mom is perhaps realizing that I am the way god and my genes made me and perfect even if I have a few more pounds than she wishes. (You know what I mean by perfect- the science of my brain and genetics is perfect, how I use them/it is human and ergo imperfect.)

I took a video of me wet sanding/doing detail work and from the angle it is clear that I do not have a defined jaw line. I do not. That is me. And that is fine.

Right now I feel so strange and shallow harping on such surface, shallow, top layer of the onion issues. But those, sadly, for me are a lot of what I do have deep seated distrust and hatred for in myself. And that's the kicker of self doubts that continually undermine us. Because it's a sensitive subject you are tuned to ANYTHING that could help justify that lack in you. I still do it and am now in the middle of trying to change that. This is what I look like. It's better than my worst fear and not what my ideal would be (who wouldn't love to look like Audrey Hepburn.) So this is sick sniffly me watching wheel of fortune now. 

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And I look tired and sick and just showered. I look like a normal person in their home just being.  

It is so funny to me that today's rambling blah post has gone this way, but I guess that is what is on my mind. There are so many aa phrases that I am adopting to my life and psyche. One of them is something like "want the life you have/lead"  not the one on the other side of the fence. So many statements, euphemisms or adages seem so overused or obvious but they do make sense. And right now I am loving the life I am living, I need to find a way to love the shell that carries me through. Because me is my psyche and interior light. This body really is just a tool for accomplishing the things. My body is an aggregate. At this moment a snotty coughing one. But really it is just a tool to use as I go forward with my master plans.

ok, ramblings need to stop. I am not rereading this before posting as I fear it would make me want to emulate Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Blog buddies, hope your Friday's have been great! Til the morrow.