by Christina Osheim

How can we be such paradoxes? I certainly feel like one right now. Things are going well. Lots to do but it’s slowly getting done. And right now I feel like my heart is breaking some.  (i also just heard a guy say on a stage whisper “chewing tobacco” while busing a coffee cup and before walking out the door in too tight blue jeans. A male bubble butt is not something you see every day.) 

I was talking to a friend about it earlier tonight- a friend who is coming to sit and just be with me right now about having really good days but wanting to cry at the end. 

PARADOX!!!  

Or at least I hope it’s paradox. Hmmmm... 

(from google dictionary) 

par·a·dox

ˈperəˌdäks/noun

  1. a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true.

Yup. Paradox is the fitting word. I think I am beginning to accept that I can’t be more than me. That me is pretty good but not perfect. I can’t get exactly what I want.  Or change what isn’t my reaction.

Adulting can be frustrating at times. But so satisfying when you know you are doing all you can at your top level (or current top level as I feel every top is just a stepping stone) Multiple people I care deeply for are suffering from this same disease, alcoholism, and are not treating it. And I can’t do anything other than be kind and live my life the best way I can.  

I wrote my friend- It’s a good day but you haven’t gotten a pony at the end. And that is it. I recognize the absurdity of what I’d like and am starting to accept it and the frustration/sadness. (a couple just sat down at a table, totally an early date. The girl just flipped her hair and smiled an “I’m interested smile”) 

the good news is I can’t to everything but I’ve done much today. A lady was grieving the loss of her mother and adored dog and I gave her a drawing. I folded brochures and gave a shout out high five to someone in a new position. I took care of the trash and unloaded the dishwasher. I have helped the world and now the world is helping me with having one of my best friends come and hold my hand and empathize. 

so that is the kicker of the paradox. It turns out to an absurd truth! With hints of positive, progress and goodness in it.  

And one of my greatest strengths is my ever expanding heart. I can take this heartache and build a special chamber in the atrium with drawings of puppy dogs and ponies!  Ok, my friend is going to be here soon. Now it’ll just be fun as blogging has pulled me out of my paradoxical phunk. 🤣

Grateful Dead Head

Grateful Dead Head

Star Trek!!!! Live long and prosper. 🖖 

Star Trek!!!! Live long and prosper.

🖖 

salmon spawning  

salmon spawning  

A portrait. 

A portrait. 

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by Christina Osheim

Bullies. Hating people. Trying not to hate and trying not to be cowed. I am doing that right now. Trying to learn. There are people in my life who have a very different mo from mine and have an arrogance and bravado that is all engulfing. It is a bullheadedness that drives me nuts. So my typical mo is to leave. Do not engage. Do not try to pass go do not try to collect $200 as they are sure to tell you they got $250 as someone was just handing out extra $ and they took it. 

Aaargh! I almost delved into specifics and got bitchy and petty. That is the killer —right thought and right action and doing the next right thing involves not botching and ranting and gossiping and trying to think of passive aggressive ways to undermine and show that they don’t have the biggest dick on the table!

(even here I am getting too close to comfort to those bad behaviors.) it is really hard for me. Me me me! Ever the narcissist. But it is hard. My old habits and patterns won’t work and I need to plan and implement new habits. Positive habits. Be the changes. I need to tame my ego and be humble. Aaaargh!  

People act and do things I don’t agree with and don’t think are healthy. I need to get off my moral high horse and try to stop punishing them or myself for what I perceive to be bad chalices/unhealthy perceptions. 

this is like the conduit thing. Its so simple and so easy. It is getting lost in my narcissism that I lose it. So healthy ways to deal with things I find disturbing or worrisome in a way that doesn’t enable them. 

I’m thinking of my dad telling me about a friend of his who had a motorcycle in the 70’s. They were talking about safety and his friend was saying that he has it planned how he will fall if an accident happens. Has a seed or a blueprint ready to implement. An accident did happen, the plan was executed and his friend lived to ride another day.  

That is what I am doing now. Blueprints.  

And I like to build. And work.  

Living is such an interesting thing. I am thoroughly enjoying the process right now. (If anyone wondered what my plan for dealing with uncomfortable situations it is quite simple- draw and listen and watch. If asked simply say I don’t have anything to add/don’t have much knowledge/not interested and happy to draw) my Linus sketchbook!!! 😍  

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by Christina Osheim

I don’t know what to write.  

Is it a dead and bloody horse that I have to share (repetition as nauseum, ad infinitum)? 

Is it a stupid funny thing that happened? 

Is it I worked and am in the middle of creative clay adventures? 

dont know. Got nothin.  Good stuff. Good day. Good people. Goodness gracious good......? 

I’m excited and worried and glad and sad and joyous and jittery and dreampt of smoking last night. My twinkle tingle toes are tapping their own rhythm and I’m loving it but haven’t deciphered the pattern.

im at this I’m looking so damn carefully at everything. Directing to the nth that I am losing the ability to see. But I’m not overworking into a mania I’m just working solidly and then not. Having faith that I won’t fuck up or that how I do fuck up will be a baby fuck. A quickie and not a 7 day tantric sex orgy. ... NOPE!!! It’ll just be decathlon called NY NOW.

dear sister in law, I am so sorry that sex metaphors/analogies seem to be what my tired little mind is coming up with. I gave away drawings to people who donated to my campaign and had to pull my raunchy mandalas. I didn’t say why i was pulling them, I just pulled. 

It will be fine. I will be fine. I will breathe and sleep and make and be and more good than bad will come out of what Is to be. In fact, (sorry horsey) the good thing is. I’m holding myself together sort of. We’ll see if it stands. 

i have had my 20 minutes of love today. Not the sexy variety but the good clean sober living version. Sooooo, blog buddies, I’m off for more adventures! Til tomorrow  

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by Christina Osheim

20

minutes of loving today. I think I got it in. It’s been a good day. A productive day. Im having to teach myself that working hard doesn’t have to entail panic, manic, guilt, but is just steady application of a skill repeatedly in a methodical manner. It can be fun. And not manic fun. 

So strange. My tingle toes are having trouble accepting that accepting that isn’t me being lazy. Hahahahahaha. Womp womp. Go figure.

Today I had a revelation in my thinking. How to get to the middle way and stay there makes sense now. I hate how people (me) will talk about something as in black and white. I found the middle way- like that is the creme filled center of an Oreo. Or a pony. A specific tangible thing. A paper clip. Or what is it — a towel! (Autocorrect changed it to fowl which is great as I was thinking about my bro with this reference and BOOM “fowl” a Freudian homage to my bro.) -‘yeah— a towel! Like in HHGG. 

I think rather I am realizing that I am in a circle or lens, Hahahaha—I’m such a nerd— and the middle path is somewhere in this circle and I am somewhere in this circle and we will at times be close and at times be further but depending on how I practice right thought and action will influence the time and duration we meet. That also makes me think of the description in Einstein— his life and universe, a biography I listened to while working stained glas in Philly. I was putting windows and remember going through so many pairs of gloves as I would have to pause and rewind pause rewind multiple times to hear the visualization of how relativity is the unoverse folding in on itsel around a ball. Or something like that. that was a really good book.

i am glad I am reading and engaging again. I stopped doing that at the end of my alcoholic career. I wasn’t interesting. Lost my light.

right now someone is staying at my house who also shares this disease. It is. That is it really, it just is. I can’t do any more than be me, try to have right thoughts and actions, and love and be kind. It is humbling. I’m not sure how to write what I feel or think without sounding too swarmy in some ways. It makes me feel more strongly how important it is to try to live in that nebulous middle ground and be a conduit. I don’t care how or what people use to deal with their demons (within reason of course— meaning I don’t care if someone thinks aa is crap, religion the opiate of the masses, whatever. I don’t give a shit what you believe as long as those beliefs don’t inflict harm upon you or others.) 

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its strange. Writing this makes me feel like I’m adulting. tomorrow a good friend hits 6 months and I am so proud of her!! I’m taking her out for espresso shots and cookies!!! 

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It has been a good day. I really like the new Star Trek. Gnite!