Hoovered. by Christina Osheim

I just hoovered through dumplings for dinner.

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Yup. I was too rude to even think about a before shot. This vacuum cleaner has been running on a jimmy dean "lite" breakfast sandwich, much coffee and a handful of m&ms until this moment. God, that sounds like the diet of a teenager. All I need is a packet of clearasil acne wipes and a trapper keeper. Although the trapper keeper reference shows my age. Hahahaha. Whoooooops.

I am sitting here for about 7 more minutes before going to a meeting. Fingers crossed the cute goth man is there. If he is I will talk to him as I am wearing my sheebe "resist" t. I WILL resist my awkwardness. Or rather EMBRACE IT!!! #awkwardisthenewcool anyway. I'm a little bombastic bc it's been a really good day. I got the commission round I needed to get done done and my shit is looking awesome. I am really talented. It is still surprising as I have never let myself really go for it before. Who knows where it'll end up!!!?!?!?????!!! But I am making good work and will keep on.

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ok. 7:59. I need to get my tush up the block to ye olde church basement. I will start a decor ranking for Aa meetings. "Rustic w a touch of mallards." "John Lennon and Yoko Ono had a love in here." "The recesses here would have inspired Bach."

So peace out blog buds!

oh. I also paid my $400 craft council reservation fee. Holy moly I am going to St Paul!!!! 

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Sunday by Christina Osheim

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I am getting over being sick and feeling tired but itchy. I'm trying to think of how better to describe it. I have become friends with someone who has a drinking problem but describes themselves as a "functional alcoholic." And I see so much of my pattern in many aspects.

My situation became one where I could choose to not drink and live or continue to drink and almost certainly be gone now. 

So being sick and having these conversations, needing rest and sleep and feel deadlines looming, having my year anniversary fast approaching and in general so many things happening that I can't control make me throw up my hands, so my best to imitate Faulkner with run on sentences, and go: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 

Nothing is bad. In fact much is good. And I am feeling the need right now to work really hard to not "grinch" myself.  I am happy with my life and working to be happy with me. Or as my therapist likes to say "build self tolerance." I am getting better at tolerating myself.

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Right now it would be easy to fall into the trap of over thinking/self pity. And the kicker is I know the best way to avoid that is to work and keep busy. But my body might be saying rest. 

so now... drumroll... here is what I have been trying to pull out like a bad splinter- right now there are a lot of things that I want. And I may not be able to have what I want. 

My name isn't Veruca Salt and I can't have everything. "I want it and I want it now" doesn't fly in my life.

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What this toddler must accept is all I can do is what I can do and the rest is out of my hands. *sigh* And in this process remember that I need to make sure ai am working to put the needs of others ahead of my own. (Not to slack on my stuff, but to make sure that my EGO doesn't become a one man (woman) broadway act that can emote until the neon lights burn out and wonder why they won't shine for infinity as I clearly am the most interesting awesome best person who also looks like a goddess to walk this earth. (This sadly is not too far off truth) I am a maker looking to share my joy with the world and successfully blow my nose. So Emma, running an errand for my mom, drinking coffee and wondering if I am too sick to play with my friends kids after church.

sooooo... coffee refill, baby nap, maybe church and then at 3 something ROAHLD DAHL!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

 

Yup by Christina Osheim

I got a cold. Not surprising, but annoying. I have taken the day easy and gotten things done, but quietly with naps. 

I got a commission that I need to begin to get wet work done to have samples finished by Tuesday or Wednesday. It is good. But I need to get twinkle toes healed so they can dance with the lightest of ease.

I am getting better about learning to accept me as I am and communicating more honestly. I'm sure I still have a ways to go and so am working to not grade or rank myself except to say "I am doing the best I can."

Part of that was going through my wardrobe and getting rid of things. If it doesn't fit now or if I haven't and won't wear it, adios! There are some things I will be sad to say bye to but they don't fit now and keeping them to see if they magically grow makes no sense. Plus I have girlfriends here who are smaller than I and could possibly use them. And that makes me really happy. They can be used by someone who could use them. And if I am small enough to wear them I am either recovering from a traumatic brain injury or beginning to die from alcoholism. Thank you, I'd rather have a double chin. 

My sponsor has talked to me about doing this herself and saying good bye to a version of you that wasn't authentic. I asked my mom if she would like to assist- so she was there to give input on what stayed and left. It turned out to be really good. I realize that there are things that I never shared about not being able to hold down food due to my poor liver being abused. And my mom is perhaps realizing that I am the way god and my genes made me and perfect even if I have a few more pounds than she wishes. (You know what I mean by perfect- the science of my brain and genetics is perfect, how I use them/it is human and ergo imperfect.)

I took a video of me wet sanding/doing detail work and from the angle it is clear that I do not have a defined jaw line. I do not. That is me. And that is fine.

Right now I feel so strange and shallow harping on such surface, shallow, top layer of the onion issues. But those, sadly, for me are a lot of what I do have deep seated distrust and hatred for in myself. And that's the kicker of self doubts that continually undermine us. Because it's a sensitive subject you are tuned to ANYTHING that could help justify that lack in you. I still do it and am now in the middle of trying to change that. This is what I look like. It's better than my worst fear and not what my ideal would be (who wouldn't love to look like Audrey Hepburn.) So this is sick sniffly me watching wheel of fortune now. 

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And I look tired and sick and just showered. I look like a normal person in their home just being.  

It is so funny to me that today's rambling blah post has gone this way, but I guess that is what is on my mind. There are so many aa phrases that I am adopting to my life and psyche. One of them is something like "want the life you have/lead"  not the one on the other side of the fence. So many statements, euphemisms or adages seem so overused or obvious but they do make sense. And right now I am loving the life I am living, I need to find a way to love the shell that carries me through. Because me is my psyche and interior light. This body really is just a tool for accomplishing the things. My body is an aggregate. At this moment a snotty coughing one. But really it is just a tool to use as I go forward with my master plans.

ok, ramblings need to stop. I am not rereading this before posting as I fear it would make me want to emulate Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Blog buddies, hope your Friday's have been great! Til the morrow.